6 week Update

Baby's now the size of a sweet pea!
Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, and chin. Those little hands and feet -- still webbed like paddles -- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

Today was a big day for us. The worry bombarded me for the last 2 weeks as I waited for the first appointment. Last night, I knew I would have a hard time sleeping because I was so worried. As this morning progressed, I got more and more scared and the scenarios ran through my head. By the time I got in the ultrasound room, I was crying because I was so nervous and scared.

Right away, my favorite ultrasound tech told us there was one fetus there and I instantly felt better. The baby measures at about 6 weeks which is right on schedule. We also saw the little flicker of the heartbeat! Our little sweet pea beats at 103 beats per minute! I got a hug from the nurse after she took my blood to test my HCG and she said she knew this was it.

Wow, we're over the first hump and I can't me more excited and happy. The year will end on a fabulous note as we look forward to 2011 and a new addition to our family!

Freaking out

The more I talk to people, the more I get nervous. They're being so cautious and hardly getting excited and it's becoming contagious. I was overjoyed for the last week, but when people are nervous for me, it gets me worried. I woke up at 3:45 am and started worrying that my symptoms weren't bad enough. I still have to wait another week for my next appointment and maybe something bad happened. All I could think about it how horrible it would be if we had another disappointment.

Maybe watching the season finale of Giuliana & Bill wasn't a good idea either. I absolutely love that show and it's almost like watching my own life on tv. We talk about them constantly at our support group as we watch their journey of infertility while we deal with our own. To see them get a negative test after their second IVF was devastating and I can't help but cry with them. I was in that situation a week ago and I could be back there at any time. To see other people having to endure what I've gone through is so painful. No one deserves to want something this much and not be able to have it or to have it taken away from them suddenly.

It's on my mind all day and all night how quickly this miracle can get taken away from me.

All I want for Chrismukkah is you

Yep, you, little apple seed. I got the one thing I wanted more than anything else. It's hard not to be nervous and scared about every little thing, but I have to try to enjoy this miracle. It's been a very hard 2010 and it's difficult not to focus on all the negatives, but this is the best outcome I could ever ask for.

Week 5 Update

I made it through the first week! I'm still in shock, but it's starting to set in now. I'm overjoyed that this is finally happening after everything we've been through!

The girls in my support group were so happy for me and wanted to keep hearing updates as I go along. I'm actually going to really miss going to sessions because they've become friends as we share our stories. I love to give advice to the newbies because I wish I would have had someone to answer my questions back then.

Anyway, on to the first update!Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point, he's about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human. He's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, the mesoderm, and the endoderm — which will later form all of his organs and tissues. The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue. The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

Mommy Check-in

How far along? 5 weeks

How big is baby? The size of an appleseed...although I never get that deep when I eat apples.

Weight: Do I really want to do this part? I had it in last time, but I don't know about this time! My boobs are growing as I type this. They're huge! I'm at 109 pounds but it feels like way more from the way my clothes fit.

Health: Pretty good! Morning sickness is not too bad so far so that's a good thing. Migraines are down which is a huge plus for me! My face is also finally clearing up!

Maternity Clothes: Definitely crossing my mind the last few days. My "fat" pants are now getting tight and I'm trying on tons of shirts every morning to find something that fits. I got really frustrated last night that everything looks like I have a huge beer belly.

Sleep: I'm not that much more tired than usual, but I wake up at 5 am every single day no matter what. On the weekend, I woke up at 2 or 3 each day, caught on on tv in the family room for a couple hours, and then went back to sleep.

Food: I'm really thirsty! I used to be able to go for hours with nothing to drink, but I'm so thirsty all the time now. It's the worst in the mornings. I also had a strange craving for KFC biscuits, but I haven't had them yet. A lot of foods sound gross to me, but I try to eat.

Best Moment This Week: Being happy for the first time since June

Movement: none

Planning/Preparation: The usual wasting time on tons of internet sites and message boards. I'm also readying a few books that I had saved.

Belly Button In/Out: In and feeling weird. My belly button feels really tight like I had a good ab workout.

What I Miss: Wearing my skinny clothes!

What I'm Looking Forward To: Getting through this next week

Contractions: None

Next Appointment: December 30 for our first ultrasound

The best gift for the holidays

is a BFP!

OMG, I still can't even believe this is happening! I wished for this so badly this year and it's finally coming true. A year of treatments, crying, stress, etc. has finally paid off and I can admit that I am happy for the first time since June.

The symptoms have been completely different for this cycle, so I was assuming that the test would be negative. This could not have come at a better time as we were probably about to take the next scary step to IVF. But in the back of my mind, I really hoped this was it. For once, things went my way and I got the result I wanted!

I can't help but be nervous and I started to worry minutes after I got off the phone from hearing the news. I almost wish I could go to sleep and wake up in 2 months once the worst part is over. But my mind is also running non-stop with the thoughts of the happy future and finally joining the mommy club! Wow!

Of course, I had to check my due date last night and it looks like August 24 or 25. The timing could not be more perfect.

Please, please let this be it!

It's that time again...

The PG symptoms start up and make me get too excited. The sore nipples, nausea, tired feeling, gas, bloating all get me. I analyze every little thing I feel...could that possibly be it? Then I trick myself into thinking THIS IS IT. In the back of my head I remind myself not to get too excited, but how can you ignore it when you feel like puking very day? How do I keep myself from getting too excited like I did last month? The disappointment last time was the worst one yet. I don't even want to take the test because of the fear of disappointment again.

Last IUI cycle?

Looks like this is almost the end of the IUIs. I've done 5 cycles and the medicine doesn't seem to be as effective as it used to be. The thought of the next step (IVF) freaks me out like crazy. I never, ever thought it would come to this. If the IUI worked once, why can't it work again? IVF is scary...the process, the money, the stress, the time, etc. I've come to terms with this as my future and I'm starting to accept it. When I told my mom the news, she cried. Why does this have to happen to her oldest daughter? I feel so guilty that there's something wrong with me.

The past 2 days I had my last chance before the next step. I begged for two IUIs to increase the chances. Any day now I'll start feeling all the pregnancy symptoms and start getting excited. It's so hard not to get excited, but I always know in the back of my mind that it might just be the meds. Please, please give the me the thing I want most this holiday season.

Disappointment. Again.

I really, really thought this was it. I had all the symptoms and I felt "different." But I was deathly scared of doing the test. I didn't want to take it because there was a chance it would be negative and it would crush me. Friday night I had dreams about pregnancy tests all night. I woke up at 5 am and had to run to the bathroom to do the test. I danced around as I waited for "pregnant" to show up on the test. Hubby ran in when he saw the light on and covered my eyes.

He told me it was negative and I burst into tears right on the toilet. I hate even writing this because it's making me so sad again. I cried all morning as I thought about how much I HATE this process and how unfair it is. Why does this have to happen to good people like us? Why does my body hate me? Why can't I give my husband the one thing he wanted by the time he was 30? That's probably the worst feeling this week because I know how important this was to him. He's my "pillar" as he calls it and Kitty is the "pebble" who held me as I cried all morning long.

Thank God for my infertility support group just a couple hours later. They were the only ones that really understood and it felt so good to sit in a room with girls who can really sympathize. The sadness is nowhere near gone, but going there helped a lot. All weekend, I was depressed and I'm still thinking about it 3 days later. WHY ME?

Baby's First

I was out shopping today after work and wanted to take a quick look at the holiday stuff to look for new Hanukkah decorations. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some Christmas ornaments. "Baby's First Christmas" was right in front of me. I'm Jewish, but this still hit me like a brick and I teared up. I would give anything to be able to have one of these ornaments...and a menorah, of course. What do I want for the holidays more than any Coach purse or diamond earrings? A BFP and a healthy pregnancy.

Hubby thinks this cycle is it and it's going to happen. He's great at making predictions that come true, so I hope he's right.

Maybe a Halloween baby?

After a meeting with the doctor after the last cycle, we decided to increase my injection doses to be a little more intense. The secret is finding the exact formula of hormones, injections, and days of the cycle that will be the best for the IUI. I've been closely monitored during this cycle and ended up at the office for blood test and ultrasounds 4 out of the last 5 days. It's been been very stressful to make the time to get there every day, but I'm hoping that watching everything this closely will help. To our surprise, we ended up having the IUI on a weekend which we've never done before.

Yesterday at support group, someone reminded me that my IUI would be on Halloween and I hadn't even though about that! How cool would it be to make a Halloween baby? This is the perfect time and I would love to have a baby next summer when it's still warm out. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but I feel like we've done everything SO carefully for this cycle. Crossing our fingers, toes, and Kitty's paws that this one works.

Total surprise

No, not that kind of surprise.

The kind where you're supposed to POAS on Sunday like the doctor said but then you wake up on Friday in horrible pain. Like crying in pain because it hurts so bad and you're wondering if you're dying. Turns out it was cramps, but they were not in the normal place I usually get them. So AF came super early and I didn't even get to POAS. I had a little hope for this cycle and even though I wasn't feeling a lot of symptoms, I thought there was a still a small chance.

The shock on Friday kinda ruined my fun day off of work I had planned. I couldn't help but notice all the moms pushing their strollers around the mall and all the kids running around the food court. I swear there's more kids than ever around me or I notice it way more than I used to.

I went to my infertility support group yesterday and it was really good for me. We have something in common that not a lot of other girls can relate to so it's nice to see how others are coping. We talk a lot about how to deal with other people's comments, being put in awkward situations with other moms, and how to deal with the emotions and stress that takes a toll on us. I felt better after I got back and I'm ready for cycle #7 next week.

Not feeling it this time...

This cycle was different. It was a longer wait until ovulation and I'm not feeling like I normally do after the IUI. I still have another week before POAS, but I'm pretty sure it's negative. I usually have pregnancy symptoms right up until the next AF and my hormones are all over the place. This time is different and I feel completely normal.

Also, the doctor always puts me on more hormone meds for the 2-week wait, but this time he didn't. So I'm very confused and questioning what went wrong this time. I guess I'm just going to assume this cycle sucked because I don't know what else to think.

Cycle #6

Here we go again...

Tomorrow is my IUI for cycle #6. The whole cycle has been a little off from my previous ones. My follicles took a lot longer than normal to enlarge so the cycle has been longer and I had 12 days of injections before the HCG trigger shot. I was told as long as things were progressing, I should be fine and didn't have to worry about having a canceled cycle. But it's a little strange and I can't help but wonder whether this is a waste.

I'm going into it with somewhat positive thoughts tomorrow. I'm sick of getting excited and then let down, but there's always that little glimmer of hope that maybe this is IT.

Sharing with Others

Over the weekend, I went to my first infertility support group. I was a little nervous since I've never done anything like this, but I figured I'd give it a try. It turned out to be a really great thing and I enjoyed it a lot.

There were 5 other girls there and we all shared our stories about where we are in the process and how we're coping. We talked about different issues that have come up like how to deal with other people asking you questions, talking about baby-related things, struggling with paying for treatment, how to think positively, etc.

It was so nice to not feel so alone in all this. While I'm not really alone, there are times when I feel like no one really understand what it's like to go through this. The time, money, energy and psychological issues are very hard to deal with and so it was nice to see how other girls cope. We all ended up staying way past the session and just chatted about other things and gave each other advice that we've learned in this process. I hope to go back to another session sometime soon.

Big Fat Negative

Round 5 was negative.

The wait until the test today was very hard. There were days when I was completely convinced I was pregnant again. I had a lot of symptoms and kept comparing them to last time. Then I'd get pissed at myself for being excited and then having to get my hopes up. Last night I couldn't sleep as I got super excited to pee on a stick in the morning. I woke up to horrible cramps and tried to convince myself it was implantation. Nope...big fat negative.

Hubby was cheery as usual and tried to look on the bright side by saying we already have a "baby" to deal with (Kitty) but it's still sad. I can't help but be terribly depressed today and hold back the tears. Just when I thought I was starting to feel better...now back where I started. Part of me just wants to roll up into a ball and cry all day in bed.

Round 5 has begun

I went through 5 nights of Follistim injections and took my Ovidrel trigger shot last night.

Tomorrow IUI #2 is scheduled for noon! IUI#1 was technically successful, so I'm really hoping #2 will be also!

Here we go again...

Just when my face was starting to clear up again...I just got cleared by the doctor to start treatment! It's been almost 2 months and I'm ready to get started.

Today and tomorrow we'll do injections of Follistim and then I'll go back on Friday to get my HCG level checked.

Yay!

5 weeks later...

I thought I was doing good...I was pretty cheery the last couple of week and just looking forward to starting up again soon.

But this week keeps getting worse and I'm spiraling downward. The thought of babies and pregnancy are getting to me more than ever. It's hard to have a normal life when I get sad everytime I have to hear it or see it.

Every week when I go for my blood test, my HCG still isn't at zero and I get disappointed. I really don't think 5 weeks is normal and that gets me really worried. I haven't been feeling good lately and it's almost like I have pregnancy symptoms. I also realized that I gained some weight and it makes me tear up to even think about it. Why? Because I worked SO hard to get to a place where I was comfortable with my own body. I was willing to give it up to have a baby. Now I'm gaining weight AND I don't have a baby. So all these worries added together makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. Maybe they didn't get everything out in the D&C and I have to go back. That would be absolutely HORRIBLE. The nurse assured me that I was fine, but I can't help but have those thoughts.

I have to go back next week again to test my HCG. I guess at this point I'm done getting excited because it's taking way longer than I ever thought.

3 weeks later...

I went to the doctor today for my 3 week follow-up appointment. I was really hoping they would say I was fine and we could get started with treatments again. But no, I have to come back again next week for another HCG test. I'm a little disappointed and frustrated because I just want to start over again. I'm ready to move forward and get past the sadness.

Most days, I'm fine and I go on living my life. But there are random times when I get really sad when I hear people talking about babies or complaining about being pregnant. I just want to scream, "At least you ARE pregnant! I'm not anymore!" or "How come you get to have a baby and I don't?" and then I hold back the tears.

I do have my Kitty "baby" and he keeps me sane. I swear he cries as much as a real baby and he needs just as much attention.

Coping...

I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I'm busy and I can push it out of my mind for most of the day and sometimes I just feel sad. Little things remind me of what happened and I get in a funk.
Yesterday was my first attempt at running in about 2 months. I went to the lake by my house that I normally go to. My goal was to run one side of the lake without stopping, but I ended up doing 2 miles! I pushed myself so hard at the end that I just about collapsed at the end. This huge burst of emotions just hit me as I slowed down.

Being at that lake is bittersweet for me. (I'm going to cry now that I'm writing this...) I started running at the lake in the spring when I was training for my 5k. It was awesome to see my progress in just a few short months. But I also used that lake to deal with my stress and frustration during fertility treatments. I can remember being there so many times when I would almost burst into tears from stress and anxiety.

Then in late May, I suddenly couldn't run anymore. I couldn't figure out why my body couldn't handle it until I got the BFP. So back to the lake I went, but I was walking and it was perfectly fine with me. I spent hours walking around that lake envisioning how I would take my new baby with me next summer and we would walk around and enjoy the weather. One day while walking, I happened to spot someone from high school who was obviously PG and I just wanted to yell out how that would be me soon too.

Then we got the bad news...the day after we found out, I convinced Hubby to go for a walk with me just to get out and get some fresh air. That walk around the lake was a lot different for me. I had to stop a few times when I started to realize this cycle I've gone through in the past few months.

So yesterday was my first day back at the lake after the D&C and you can see how it was a little weird for me. I've gone through a complete cycle and I'm back where I started. I love that lake, but it's hard for me to be there and not think about this now.

My baby angel

To the baby that I carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.

-Lori Jager

I could have written this poem myself, but I'm not into writing that much these days. She wrote exactly how I'm feeling.

The procedure is over and I'm back at home and resting. Yesterday at the hospital, it was extremely scary. The doctors and nurses all asked if I was ok and needed any anxiety medication, so I think showed my emotions pretty well. I felt almost numb as I sat in my blue freezing gown for 3 hours waiting for everything to go down. I was holding it together and then when they got ready to wheel me into the operating room, I freaked out. All the sadness, nervousness, anger came back way too quickly. As soon as I had my drugs, I was out and then waking up to some horrible pain.

On a funny note, the first thing I asked the doctor when I started waking up was if I could eat and if my stomach went down so I could have a 6-pack. SO me!

Fortunately, I think I'm healing pretty well and most of the pain is gone less than 24 hours after. Hubby has been by my side since the beginning and I'm so grateful for him. ::tearing up as I write this::: I could have never gotten through this without him and he has been my "pillar" as he likes to say. We call Kitty my "pebble" as he has also helped by sitting next to me almost 24/7 this week. He senses that I need extra TLC and it's been so nice to have him around me.

Today is a new day and I'm ready to get out of bed and try to have some fun if possible. We're ready to look towards the future and hope for another Baby T soon.

A sad update

This week we went for my 8 week check-up and got some devastating news. The baby was not growing. I was in complete shock and filled with sadness, questions, and anger. Why did this have to happen to us? What did I do wrong? I thought we would be one of the lucky ones that didn't have to go through this. My mind was filled with every emotion I could possibly think of and I didn't know how to cope. It's been a very hard week, but my family has been very supportive. I'm starting to come to terms with this reality, but I know it will take a long time to really cope with this.

Tomorrow I am having a D&C and I will say goodbye to my little angel. While I am very scared and nervous, I look forward to the future. I hope that there will one day be another Baby T to blog about. Until then, I think I may continue to use this to document my journey.

Thank you all for your support and love,
Lisa

How many pregnancy books can one girl read?

If she tries hard, a LOT!

I was at the thrift store right after my BFP and I came across this book for $1. Turns out, it's the BEST book I've seen so far! I absolutely love the non-medical, sarcastic, funny author who gives moms great advice that the doctor would never tell you.So glad I bought the next book about surviving the first year of motherhood.

After I started reading this book, I kinda wanted more. This morning I ran to a couple garage sales and found one house that had a ton of baby stuff. I was so overwhelmed with all the stuff to pick from and I had no idea what I would need. But I do know I can always use books so I picked up a few more. The woman who was having the sale was trying to push me to buy more and I said, "I'm wondering if too man baby books is a bad thing, so I think I'll just start with these."
And then I also stole a few magazines from the ob-gyn office...and ordered another book on Ebay...I'm a crazy PG mom!

The blueberry: 7 weeks

Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

Momma Check-in

How far along? 7 weeks

How big is baby? About the size of a blueberry

Weight: 105...same as before

Health: Cramps have almost completely gone away and that's great. But the morning sickness seems to be getting a little worse. From 9am to 1 pm, I feel like I'm DYING! I'm still getting some migraines, but I bumped up my preventative vitamins so that might help.

Maternity Clothes: Still none, but I look a little just for fun. My tight clothes are starting to get a little tight and I need to find a couple new pairs of jeans for the next few months.

Sleep: I'm going to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 on most days and it's difficult to stay away at work sometimes. But I also wake up about 1/2 hour earlier than I need to, so I just get up and get into work early.

Best Moment This Week: We saw the little flicker of the heartbeat!

Movement: none

Planning/Preparation: I feel anxious that there's so much stuff I need to do to prepare. Right now, I'm trying to start getting the craft room finished up so I can clear out the baby room.

Belly Button In/Out: The whole belly button thing is starting to scare me. And do I just take out my belly button ring? Or do I get one of those stretchy ones?

What I Miss: Having more energy and getting things done

What I'm Looking Forward To: my next ultrasound

Contractions: obviously none

Next Appointment: Monday, June 28 is my last appointment at the fertility clinic

In a dreamland...

The last few weeks have been really weird. As if my body isn't going crazy enough, I keep having the weirdest dreams and most of them are more of nightmares. They have nothing to do with being PG, but they scare me. It seems like they're more vivid and I get into a deeper sleep than I used to. What's up with my brain?!?

Telling the grandparents

It was hard to keep it a secret, but we decided to wait until Father's Day to tell our parents the good news. I've been looking forward to doing this for SO long, so I wanted to make it really special. I had these frames engraved with a cute saying and put our first ultrasound picture inside.

Both sets of parents had almost the same reaction. The dad opened up the gift and stared at it for a second while the mom started going crazy and realized what it was! Everyone was super excited and could not stop talking about it.

My sister had the best reaction when we showed her the photo of the frame. "Wait, what?? Huh? What?!? Really?"

I'm so glad our immediate family knows now so they can share in the joy and happiness we feel now.

Heart beat!

Today we had our second ultrasound appointment at the fertility doctor. Hubby was running a little late and they called me in quickly so I begged for them to wait for him.

Once he showed up, I got in my lovely white paper blanket (freezing in the room, BTW) and we did the ultrasound. The tech said everything looked great and then showed us the little fluttering dot which was the heartbeat. Eeek! I looked over and Hubby was smiling just like I was!

My 6 week Confession

I'm one of the lazy girls that never got her wedding dress cleaner or preserved. It's always been on my to-do list and then I never want to spend the money on it.

Anyway, I've been telling myself for the past year that I would try on my wedding dress one last time when I get PG because it will probably never fit again.

After my wedding, I gained about 10-15 pounds and I was so upset that my wedding dress would never fit me again. I worked really hard to get back to my wedding weight and even a little less.

So here's my impromptu wedding dress photo shoot in the family room! BTW, Hubby thought I was crazy!

Please ignore the nasty stains all over it! I had an afternoon wedding, but by nighttime I was drunk off chamnpagne, slipped on the floor in the bathroom and knocked a diamond out of my engagement ring. Crazy, right?

Yeah, I look really pasty in these. Time for more self-tanner!

I have to say that it was kinda fun to do this. It brought back happy memories for me to go back and remember that day (although I don't remember much of it!)

Crazy Food!

I don't really crave any foods yet. I have a hard time even eating anything for breakfast and lunch because nothing sounds good. I'm forcing myself to eat even if it's a cookie for breakfast because it's better than nothing.

So last night we went grocery shopping and I normally buy the same foods every single week. The only thing that changes is the type of cereal that looks good and the random frozen meals that are on sale that week. Let's just say I'm very routine in everything I do.

But last night, none of my usual cereals looked good. So I bought this!


I've also been thinking about bottled root beer lately. It reminds me of summer and I love sitting outside and drinking an ice cold one. Since this is the closest I can get to real beer, it will have to work.We ran to Applebee's for dinner because it was on the way to Home Depot. I almost always order the Oriental chicken salad when I got there, but last night, it didn't look good. So I ordered chicken wonton tacos. Let me just add that I NEVER voluntarily order Mexican-type food and really don't enjoy eating that kind of food. But it was calling my name!

So those are my crazy foods for the weekend...who knows, I might think they look gross by the time I go to eat them!

5 week update

Yesterday, Hubby and I went for our first ultrasound at what I thought was 5 weeks and 5 days. I was SO nervous and I must have peed about 12 times before the appointment at 11:15. They took my blood and then took me to a different ultrasound room than I'm normally in.

The tech showed us the "bean" image on the screen and said everything looked great! She thought I was about 5 weeks and 2 days, so my count was a little off. But who really knows, right?

I totally didn't expect to get pictures, but she printed out one for us and put it in a little paper frame.
Eeek! I'm SO happy everything is going well and we have our first baby pic! : )

Google is my friend

I spent HOURS and HOURS on Google looking up pregnancy-related things. One search leads to another and I'm consumed for a whole night just reading up on different topics.

How am I supposed to get any sleep when I'm too busy Googling?

From baby furniture, to diaper bags, to working out while pregnant, to gender predictors, my mind is consumed with all this new information!

I'm considering starting a pregnancy binder similar to the one I did for my wedding. I had different tabs to file information on each topic and then I could look back on it later. It might also be nice to have considering I'm very forgetful these days!

What makes me happy

As much as morning sickness and cramps suck, every day that I feel them makes me so happy.

Every day I'm sick makes me one day closer to seeing our little appleseed grow into a baby.

Is it really true?

Some days I find myself wondering if it's all really happening.

Am I REALLY pregnant or am I just imagining it?

If I'm not feeling sick as a dog at that moment, I'm constantly wondering this.

Maybe I'm just psycho and the doctors and pee stick were wrong. Can that even happen? I did have 2 negative pregnancy tests before the positive one, so I guess anything is possible.

Can this thing lie?
I really have no idea if this is normal, but it keeps popping into my head the last few days.

I hate lying...

I really, really hate that I can't share this amazing news with anyone. There have been so many times when I've wanted to blurt it out to a friend, a coworker, a relative, and even a complete stranger!

I keep catching myself in lies and I'm never ready with a good response. Like "How was your 5k?" "Um...I got my BFP two days before and decided I shouldn't run?" But I had to think quickly and say my ovaries were still enlarged from my hormones and meds.

I was out shopping with friends and it took everything I had not to buy something really cute and cheap in my size. They kept asking why I wasn't buying anything while they went on a shopping spree. "Um...because I'm not going to fit into a size zero much longer?" I had to say we were trying to save for fertility treatments and they were really expensive.

My mom asked why I sounded so happy on the phone the other day. "Um...because I have a baby growing in me?" But no, I said I wasn't feeling as stressed this week and work was slow.

At work I've been making a LOT of mistakes and forgetting things people told me. I've had to call people and ask them what they said to me 5 minutes beforehand. I think people were starting to give me strange looks and wonder where my brain went. "Um...I have pregnancy brain?" I just tried to play it off like I was an idiot and felt stupid for forgetting.

So anyway, I'm feeling really guilty about having to lie to everyone right now. I feel like I'm going to get caught in my lies one of these days! Can't WAIT to tell everyone!

The appleseed: 5 weeks

Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point, he's about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human. He's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, the mesoderm, and the endoderm — which will later form all of his organs and tissues. The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue. The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

Momma Check-in

How far along? 5 weeks

How big is baby? Besides being the size of an apple seed, I have no idea.

Weight: 105 - same as before BFP

Health: My morning sickness tends to kick in around 10 am and continue on and off until about 1:00. I'm getting some slight cramping in my right thigh every day, but it's not too bad. I contacted my neurologist to get suggestions on how to tackle migraines during pregnancy.

Maternity Clothes: None yet and still fitting in my normal clothes. I'm trying to wear all my favorite "skinny" clothes one last time!

Sleep: I've been more tired, so I've been going to sleep earlier at night. I have a harder time waking up in the morning and it seems like I'm in a deeper sleep when the alarm goes off.

Best Moment This Week: The news is still hitting me and sometimes I wonder if I'm dreaming!

Movement: none

Planning/Preparation: I am just starting to do research on what to expect in the first trimester.

Belly Button In/Out: in and still with belly button ring

What I Miss: beer - I kinda wish I would have been able to have one last draft before I got my BFP

What I'm Looking Forward To: telling the grandparents on Father's Day

Contractions: obviously none

Next Appointment: June 14 is my first OB ultrasound. So excited!


Obviously, I don't have a baby bump at all yet, but I wanted to add these to remember what it was like to be a size 0 and have a flat stomach. I'll miss you, abs!
It's still very early, so I'm nervous all the time. I wish Monday would just get here already so I can have my ultrasound. Hubby is getting more excited and he's been super great about helping out around the house. All good news to report : )

The Long Road to Conception

I decided to start a baby blog to document this huge new & exciting time! I'd like it to be kind of like a modern baby book that I can look back on later.

Let's start at the beginning in May of 2009. I nervously went off of birth control pills with the plan that we would try to have a baby sometime soon. We were getting ready to move and figured it was the perfect time to start this new journey. So I waited and waited for AF and it never came. After 5 months of waiting, I went to see my gyno who wanted me to undergo some hormone testing to make sure nothing was wrong. The tests came back fine and she suggested some hormones and meds to try to kick-start things. It didn't work so we tried again with more meds. Nothing.

Then she referred me to a fertility doctor that deals with this issue more often. I went to see him in January of 2010. He wanted me to undergo even more tests to make sure everything was working properly. Once everything came back, he determined that I was not ovulating which is why I never got AF. No one knows why I wasn't ovulating, but we knew that going to the fertility clinic was the only way I would ever get pregnant.

I started out on a combination of hormones and meds to start things up and I got my first AF in almost a year. I went through 3 months just meds and injections with no luck. During this process, I had a very hard time adjusting to all these changes. We didn't really know what to expect when we started, but it was a lot more emotional and time-consuming than we ever expected. Going for blood tests and ultrasounds twice a week and constantly taking medication and giving myself injections got to be very stressful. We thought about giving up or taking a break, but once I start something, I wanna finish it!

In May of 2010, I had my first IUI which we felt would be a better method for me. I was having a lot of side effects from the medication and the stress of the whole process was starting to get to me. After my IUI, I felt different in some weird way. I was more nauseous, more tired, and I had a hard time running like I used to. I was convinced I was pregnant and got really excited to take the test. The night before the test, I couldn't even sleep! I was too excited about the results I was about to get! However, on Monday May 31, I took the test and it was negative. I was devastated because I knew I felt different.

On Friday June 4, I went back to the doctor to check my hormone levels to start IUI #2. As usual, the nurse called in the afternoon to tell me my tests results. When she called, I was at work and not really paying attention. She usually rattles off a bunch of numbers and I never know what they mean, so I don't pay attention. But then she said my HCG was at a pregnancy level. What?!? I kept asking her what that meant! Does that mean I really am??

After I hung up, it really hit me. NO WAY! I knew I felt different! Women's intuition is definitely popping up now because I just felt something weird ever since the IUI. I anxiously waited the rest of the afternoon so I could go home and do another test. Negative again! What was going on? I wondered if those Dollar Tree tests were even reliable...

I also had not told Hubby the news yet because he was in meetings all day. On my way home, I picked up 2 cookies from the bakery and had them decorated. Then when I got home, I told Hubby I brought home dessert and he should take a look at it.

He didn't get it! Come on now, I had a total of 3 hours to grasp this new information and come up with a cute way to tell him! I tried! I told him about my negative test and he suggested we go buy a digital test to be sure.

The next morning I woke up at 5:45 am because I was so excited.

Finally!

I woke Hubby up from a deep sleep just to tell him. Ever since that day, my mind has been consumed by thoughts of excitement, nervousness, wonder, etc. It's still very early and we need to be very cautious about things. But the baby fever has gotten the best of me! I'm in a great mood every day and I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Just yesterday I was thinking about how I've always just wished I could be happy. I'm always complaining about one thing or another and usually have the "glass is half empty" attitude. This is the first time in so long that I can really say I'm happy and so looking forward to what the future has to bring. I feel so blessed to be at this point after the emotional rollercoaster we were on for the past year.

Here's to the future!

Cheers! (with sparking grape juice, of course)

**This post may get deleted later if I decide to make this blog public**