I woke up this morning to some bad cramping and a lot of blood. I instantly knew what was going on. I cried myself to sleep for awhile until the cramping pain woke me up again. When Connor woke up, we told him Mommy had an owie and he brought me a kleenex. He's the sweetest boy and it made me cry even more.
I spent the morning in bed crying and trying to come to terms with this devastation. AGAIN. I've already been through this once and I don't understand why I have to go through it again a second time. I really thought this time was different.
The doctor was able to see me later in the morning and confirmed from the ultrasound that there was no longer a pregnancy. My head was pounding as I heard the news and I burst into tears.
We left the doctor and drove home in silence. There's nothing to say as we think about the fact that we lost another baby today. Connor's baby sibling is gone. Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes? I thought we finally had a miracle and I really thought everything would be perfect this time. I'm overwhelmed with sadness and anger, but it's almost a numb feeling too. I've run out of tears and I'm avoiding really letting it sink in.
All day, I've been longing to see Connor's smile and get a big hug from him. I don't know what I would do without him in my life. Losing a baby is very hard, but I feel like I have to be strong for Connor. I still have to welcome him with a smile every time I see him and he'll always cheer me up instantly. It will be many years until he knows what went on today and I want him to enjoy every day to the fullest. It's only been 3 days since his second birthday and it's so bittersweet to end his birthday weekend with devastation like this.
I probably have more to say, but I don't really feel like thinking about it anymore. That's all for now...
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Monday, August 26, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Ummm, what?
Saturday was quite a big day for our little family. Here's how it all went down...
I was supposed to get AF this week and I had predicted it for Wednesday based on previous cycles. I was ready to go and kept expecting it all day on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. By Friday night, I started to over-analyze and wonder what was going on. I kept re-checking my calendar from the previous months and counting how many days each cycle was to figure out why it was so late. But of course, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe there was another reason I hadn't gotten it yet.
Friday after work, I ran home and nervously took a dollar store pregnancy test. It was negative and I got a little upset, but I figured AF would show overnight. On Saturday morning, I woke up early and laid in bed thinking. Those stupid dollar store tests are crappy and I remembered that I got false negative both times I used them in the past. The thoughts cycled in my mind all morning. After lunch, Connor took a nap and I had some privacy to take a real pregnancy test I found in the back of the closet. I slowly watched it as the first line appeared and then the second one came in very, very lightly. Holy crap. But is it really a line? I looked through the instructions and it said it didn't matter how dark the line was. But the more I stared at the line, the more I felt like it was slowly disappearing and I wasn't sure if it was even really a line.
I thought about it for another hour or so while I did some cleaning. I told the husband was going to Target for some soap, but I ended up picking up a digital test while I was there. Then I would really know for sure! I got home and did my thing...those 3 minutes were so, so long! I was walking in circles in the bathroom while I watched that little hourglass image blink. Finally, a word popped up.
OMG.
I started freaking out.
Scared, excited, confused...so many emotions all at once!
When Connor woke up from his nap, I took him out shopping for a bit and I kinda kept my eye out for a Big Brother shirt. I feel like I see them all the time, but of course, when you need one, you can't find one anywhere. Also, I slowly found out that most only come in bigger sizes starting at 3T. Anyway, we got home and I told Connor to go give Daddy a little gift we got him. I wrapped up the positive test and put it in a gift bag for Connor to give to him. They both sat down on the couch and he slowly opened the bag. His first words were, "Are you serious?" and Connor grabbed the test thinking it was a pen.
He was in shock! We asked Connor if he wanted a brother or a sister and he repeated both. Nope, you only get one!
So anyway, now that this has set in a little, I'm freaked out. I'm scared too.
So anyway, now that this has set in a little, I'm freaked out. I'm scared too.
How did we get lucky enough to have this happen naturally after everything we went through in the past? Connor was such a good baby and we were really blessed, but what if this baby is the opposite? How will we get through it? How will we pay for 2 kids in daycare? How will we get everything done in time? Oh my gosh, I need to start reorganizing the entire house to make enough room. How will Connor deal with this?
My mind is racing with questions and worries right now. I want to get to the doctor to make sure everything is ok, so I'm hoping I can get in soon. I also don't have any symptoms besides no appetite and peeing a little more often, so I want to confirm it. So crazy!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Dear Baby...
Dear Baby,
I can't believe it's almost time for you to come out and meet your mommy and daddy. We've waited a long time for you to join us!
When I look back to about 3 years ago, I first think about how scared I was to even think about having a baby. I didn't think I was ready, I wanted to move to a bigger house, and I didn't think I could handle taking care of another little life. I knew I wanted a baby eventually, but I still felt 23 inside and not like a real adult that had to be responsible. Your daddy pushed me, but in a good way, that this was something he really wanted and I started to understand his feelings. I wanted to share in the experience of being pregnant, creating a new life, and sharing our lives with someone that we loved more than anything.
I was excited, but very scared to start this new chapter in our lives. In the back of my mind, for years before, I always felt like it wouldn't be a simple task to get pregnant. I always thought there would be some kind of challenge for us and I was right. When things started to get complicated and we were referred to a fertility clinic, I got scared and overwhelmed. We had no idea what we were getting into when we started working with the wonderful nurses and doctor there. The stress and anxiety of treatments taking over our lives was very hard for me to cope with. Your daddy was my knight in shining armor who kept me laughing and smiling during the difficult days when I would come home and cry.
After our first IUI, we had a little miracle and found out I was pregnant. I thought that we were so lucky to be in the minority that only needed one round of treatment and we'd be done forever. I will never forget that day when we went in for our 8 week ultrasound. I still remember what I was wearing and how I was laying on the exam table with the lights off and your daddy sitting in the chair next to me. When the ultrasound tech brought in the doctor, I started crying and I knew it was bad news. The baby's heart stopped beating and there was nothing they could do. I was numb for the next few days as I waited to have surgery. I'm still tearing up about it now as I write this. That was the most devastating thing your daddy and I ever had to go through together. It was a very sad time in our lives, but it brought us closer together and we had to rely on each other for comfort.
As we grieved, I was eager to move forward and start treatment again. Unfortunately, the next 3 IUIs were not successful and I started to get nervous about what the future would be for us. As we planned for the 5 IUI, the doctor started to suggest IVF. Just hearing that news made me so scared because I never thought it would get to that point. Why couldn't we be like everyone else who got pregnant without trying? How can so many people have children when we can't even have one? The jealousy and sadness ate at me continually.
On our 5th and final IUI, I tried not to get excited because I didn't want to be disappointed. Again, I will never forget the afternoon of December 14, 2011 when your daddy called me at work and told me that the nurse wanted me to come back for bloodwork later in the week. I knew exactly what that meant, but part of me didn't even believe it when I heard it. I ran to the stairway with my cell phone so I could call the nurse to confirm. Yep, my levels showed I was pregnant with you! Of course, it was not the typical celebration because we were so nervous about it. Every day that we got through was one day closer to it being real. Every little pain and discomfort I had made me scared that I would lose you. But every day that I was nauseous and feeling awful told me that you were still inside me growing.
At 9 weeks, we "graduated" from the fertility clinic and I almost didn't even want to go. The nurses and support group there became my second family as they watched me go through the ups and downs. I was happy to be at the next step, but I almost didn't know what to do without them. As the weeks went by, my nerves still got the best of me, but I also wanted to tell the world the big news. On Valentine's Day, we made the announcement and celebrated the start of the second trimester.
As the weeks went by, it started to feel more and more real. The ultrasounds started to show little body parts and I couldn't believe there was a little person growing inside me. (Argh! Surprisingly, I haven't been emotional at all during the pregnancy and writing this is making me cry!) I was one of the "lucky" ones that continued to get morning sickness and was still very tired even during the second trimester. But I kept my mind off it by spending all my free time planning the nursery, reading pregnancy books, and getting excited about the future.
On March 31, we had a very exciting and shocking ultrasound when we found out you were a boy! Both daddy and I thought you were a girl for months because everyone we knew had a boy. I had a hard time with the news at first because you know I love little dresses and girly things, but I got excited as I thought about having a little mommy's boy (just like Kitty). Daddy was so excited about his future athletic son and I was thinking about how my little boy would be the best dressed and the best crayon coloring child in his class!
As the spring went by, my belly got bigger and we got more excited about the future ahead of us. I started to feel you moving around and it was the most amazing feeling! I would lay in bed at night and show Daddy where I could feel it. We'd see little lumps in my belly moving up and down and I loved seeing Daddy talk to you. "Hey Buddy!"
The closer we get to the end, the more blessed I feel that we've gotten this far. We've been so lucky that you've grown without any complications and we get more confident and excited each day as we get closer to your birth day. All we talk about is, "When baby comes..." and everything we're looking forward to doing with you as you grow up. Our lives will never be the same, but they'll be better and more fulfilling as we watch you grow and develop. You are the best thing we could ever ask for and we're so proud that you're going to be a part of our family any day now. We can't wait to meet you!
I can't believe it's almost time for you to come out and meet your mommy and daddy. We've waited a long time for you to join us!
When I look back to about 3 years ago, I first think about how scared I was to even think about having a baby. I didn't think I was ready, I wanted to move to a bigger house, and I didn't think I could handle taking care of another little life. I knew I wanted a baby eventually, but I still felt 23 inside and not like a real adult that had to be responsible. Your daddy pushed me, but in a good way, that this was something he really wanted and I started to understand his feelings. I wanted to share in the experience of being pregnant, creating a new life, and sharing our lives with someone that we loved more than anything.
I was excited, but very scared to start this new chapter in our lives. In the back of my mind, for years before, I always felt like it wouldn't be a simple task to get pregnant. I always thought there would be some kind of challenge for us and I was right. When things started to get complicated and we were referred to a fertility clinic, I got scared and overwhelmed. We had no idea what we were getting into when we started working with the wonderful nurses and doctor there. The stress and anxiety of treatments taking over our lives was very hard for me to cope with. Your daddy was my knight in shining armor who kept me laughing and smiling during the difficult days when I would come home and cry.
After our first IUI, we had a little miracle and found out I was pregnant. I thought that we were so lucky to be in the minority that only needed one round of treatment and we'd be done forever. I will never forget that day when we went in for our 8 week ultrasound. I still remember what I was wearing and how I was laying on the exam table with the lights off and your daddy sitting in the chair next to me. When the ultrasound tech brought in the doctor, I started crying and I knew it was bad news. The baby's heart stopped beating and there was nothing they could do. I was numb for the next few days as I waited to have surgery. I'm still tearing up about it now as I write this. That was the most devastating thing your daddy and I ever had to go through together. It was a very sad time in our lives, but it brought us closer together and we had to rely on each other for comfort.
As we grieved, I was eager to move forward and start treatment again. Unfortunately, the next 3 IUIs were not successful and I started to get nervous about what the future would be for us. As we planned for the 5 IUI, the doctor started to suggest IVF. Just hearing that news made me so scared because I never thought it would get to that point. Why couldn't we be like everyone else who got pregnant without trying? How can so many people have children when we can't even have one? The jealousy and sadness ate at me continually.
On our 5th and final IUI, I tried not to get excited because I didn't want to be disappointed. Again, I will never forget the afternoon of December 14, 2011 when your daddy called me at work and told me that the nurse wanted me to come back for bloodwork later in the week. I knew exactly what that meant, but part of me didn't even believe it when I heard it. I ran to the stairway with my cell phone so I could call the nurse to confirm. Yep, my levels showed I was pregnant with you! Of course, it was not the typical celebration because we were so nervous about it. Every day that we got through was one day closer to it being real. Every little pain and discomfort I had made me scared that I would lose you. But every day that I was nauseous and feeling awful told me that you were still inside me growing.
At 9 weeks, we "graduated" from the fertility clinic and I almost didn't even want to go. The nurses and support group there became my second family as they watched me go through the ups and downs. I was happy to be at the next step, but I almost didn't know what to do without them. As the weeks went by, my nerves still got the best of me, but I also wanted to tell the world the big news. On Valentine's Day, we made the announcement and celebrated the start of the second trimester.
As the weeks went by, it started to feel more and more real. The ultrasounds started to show little body parts and I couldn't believe there was a little person growing inside me. (Argh! Surprisingly, I haven't been emotional at all during the pregnancy and writing this is making me cry!) I was one of the "lucky" ones that continued to get morning sickness and was still very tired even during the second trimester. But I kept my mind off it by spending all my free time planning the nursery, reading pregnancy books, and getting excited about the future.
On March 31, we had a very exciting and shocking ultrasound when we found out you were a boy! Both daddy and I thought you were a girl for months because everyone we knew had a boy. I had a hard time with the news at first because you know I love little dresses and girly things, but I got excited as I thought about having a little mommy's boy (just like Kitty). Daddy was so excited about his future athletic son and I was thinking about how my little boy would be the best dressed and the best crayon coloring child in his class!
As the spring went by, my belly got bigger and we got more excited about the future ahead of us. I started to feel you moving around and it was the most amazing feeling! I would lay in bed at night and show Daddy where I could feel it. We'd see little lumps in my belly moving up and down and I loved seeing Daddy talk to you. "Hey Buddy!"
The closer we get to the end, the more blessed I feel that we've gotten this far. We've been so lucky that you've grown without any complications and we get more confident and excited each day as we get closer to your birth day. All we talk about is, "When baby comes..." and everything we're looking forward to doing with you as you grow up. Our lives will never be the same, but they'll be better and more fulfilling as we watch you grow and develop. You are the best thing we could ever ask for and we're so proud that you're going to be a part of our family any day now. We can't wait to meet you!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Is this how it's going to be?
I have to pee. BAD.
I go pee.
I get back to my desk.
30 seconds later, I have to pee again.
ARGGH!!
I go pee.
I get back to my desk.
30 seconds later, I have to pee again.
ARGGH!!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
It's that time again...
The PG symptoms start up and make me get too excited. The sore nipples, nausea, tired feeling, gas, bloating all get me. I analyze every little thing I feel...could that possibly be it? Then I trick myself into thinking THIS IS IT. In the back of my head I remind myself not to get too excited, but how can you ignore it when you feel like puking very day? How do I keep myself from getting too excited like I did last month? The disappointment last time was the worst one yet. I don't even want to take the test because of the fear of disappointment again.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Google is my friend
I spent HOURS and HOURS on Google looking up pregnancy-related things. One search leads to another and I'm consumed for a whole night just reading up on different topics.
How am I supposed to get any sleep when I'm too busy Googling?
From baby furniture, to diaper bags, to working out while pregnant, to gender predictors, my mind is consumed with all this new information!
I'm considering starting a pregnancy binder similar to the one I did for my wedding. I had different tabs to file information on each topic and then I could look back on it later. It might also be nice to have considering I'm very forgetful these days!
How am I supposed to get any sleep when I'm too busy Googling?
From baby furniture, to diaper bags, to working out while pregnant, to gender predictors, my mind is consumed with all this new information!
I'm considering starting a pregnancy binder similar to the one I did for my wedding. I had different tabs to file information on each topic and then I could look back on it later. It might also be nice to have considering I'm very forgetful these days!
Is it really true?
Some days I find myself wondering if it's all really happening.
Am I REALLY pregnant or am I just imagining it?
If I'm not feeling sick as a dog at that moment, I'm constantly wondering this.
Maybe I'm just psycho and the doctors and pee stick were wrong. Can that even happen? I did have 2 negative pregnancy tests before the positive one, so I guess anything is possible.
Can this thing lie?
I really have no idea if this is normal, but it keeps popping into my head the last few days.
Am I REALLY pregnant or am I just imagining it?
If I'm not feeling sick as a dog at that moment, I'm constantly wondering this.
Maybe I'm just psycho and the doctors and pee stick were wrong. Can that even happen? I did have 2 negative pregnancy tests before the positive one, so I guess anything is possible.
Can this thing lie?
I really have no idea if this is normal, but it keeps popping into my head the last few days.
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