6 week Update

Baby's now the size of a sweet pea!
Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, and chin. Those little hands and feet -- still webbed like paddles -- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

Today was a big day for us. The worry bombarded me for the last 2 weeks as I waited for the first appointment. Last night, I knew I would have a hard time sleeping because I was so worried. As this morning progressed, I got more and more scared and the scenarios ran through my head. By the time I got in the ultrasound room, I was crying because I was so nervous and scared.

Right away, my favorite ultrasound tech told us there was one fetus there and I instantly felt better. The baby measures at about 6 weeks which is right on schedule. We also saw the little flicker of the heartbeat! Our little sweet pea beats at 103 beats per minute! I got a hug from the nurse after she took my blood to test my HCG and she said she knew this was it.

Wow, we're over the first hump and I can't me more excited and happy. The year will end on a fabulous note as we look forward to 2011 and a new addition to our family!

Freaking out

The more I talk to people, the more I get nervous. They're being so cautious and hardly getting excited and it's becoming contagious. I was overjoyed for the last week, but when people are nervous for me, it gets me worried. I woke up at 3:45 am and started worrying that my symptoms weren't bad enough. I still have to wait another week for my next appointment and maybe something bad happened. All I could think about it how horrible it would be if we had another disappointment.

Maybe watching the season finale of Giuliana & Bill wasn't a good idea either. I absolutely love that show and it's almost like watching my own life on tv. We talk about them constantly at our support group as we watch their journey of infertility while we deal with our own. To see them get a negative test after their second IVF was devastating and I can't help but cry with them. I was in that situation a week ago and I could be back there at any time. To see other people having to endure what I've gone through is so painful. No one deserves to want something this much and not be able to have it or to have it taken away from them suddenly.

It's on my mind all day and all night how quickly this miracle can get taken away from me.

All I want for Chrismukkah is you

Yep, you, little apple seed. I got the one thing I wanted more than anything else. It's hard not to be nervous and scared about every little thing, but I have to try to enjoy this miracle. It's been a very hard 2010 and it's difficult not to focus on all the negatives, but this is the best outcome I could ever ask for.

Week 5 Update

I made it through the first week! I'm still in shock, but it's starting to set in now. I'm overjoyed that this is finally happening after everything we've been through!

The girls in my support group were so happy for me and wanted to keep hearing updates as I go along. I'm actually going to really miss going to sessions because they've become friends as we share our stories. I love to give advice to the newbies because I wish I would have had someone to answer my questions back then.

Anyway, on to the first update!Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point, he's about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human. He's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, the mesoderm, and the endoderm — which will later form all of his organs and tissues. The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue. The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

Mommy Check-in

How far along? 5 weeks

How big is baby? The size of an appleseed...although I never get that deep when I eat apples.

Weight: Do I really want to do this part? I had it in last time, but I don't know about this time! My boobs are growing as I type this. They're huge! I'm at 109 pounds but it feels like way more from the way my clothes fit.

Health: Pretty good! Morning sickness is not too bad so far so that's a good thing. Migraines are down which is a huge plus for me! My face is also finally clearing up!

Maternity Clothes: Definitely crossing my mind the last few days. My "fat" pants are now getting tight and I'm trying on tons of shirts every morning to find something that fits. I got really frustrated last night that everything looks like I have a huge beer belly.

Sleep: I'm not that much more tired than usual, but I wake up at 5 am every single day no matter what. On the weekend, I woke up at 2 or 3 each day, caught on on tv in the family room for a couple hours, and then went back to sleep.

Food: I'm really thirsty! I used to be able to go for hours with nothing to drink, but I'm so thirsty all the time now. It's the worst in the mornings. I also had a strange craving for KFC biscuits, but I haven't had them yet. A lot of foods sound gross to me, but I try to eat.

Best Moment This Week: Being happy for the first time since June

Movement: none

Planning/Preparation: The usual wasting time on tons of internet sites and message boards. I'm also readying a few books that I had saved.

Belly Button In/Out: In and feeling weird. My belly button feels really tight like I had a good ab workout.

What I Miss: Wearing my skinny clothes!

What I'm Looking Forward To: Getting through this next week

Contractions: None

Next Appointment: December 30 for our first ultrasound

The best gift for the holidays

is a BFP!

OMG, I still can't even believe this is happening! I wished for this so badly this year and it's finally coming true. A year of treatments, crying, stress, etc. has finally paid off and I can admit that I am happy for the first time since June.

The symptoms have been completely different for this cycle, so I was assuming that the test would be negative. This could not have come at a better time as we were probably about to take the next scary step to IVF. But in the back of my mind, I really hoped this was it. For once, things went my way and I got the result I wanted!

I can't help but be nervous and I started to worry minutes after I got off the phone from hearing the news. I almost wish I could go to sleep and wake up in 2 months once the worst part is over. But my mind is also running non-stop with the thoughts of the happy future and finally joining the mommy club! Wow!

Of course, I had to check my due date last night and it looks like August 24 or 25. The timing could not be more perfect.

Please, please let this be it!

It's that time again...

The PG symptoms start up and make me get too excited. The sore nipples, nausea, tired feeling, gas, bloating all get me. I analyze every little thing I feel...could that possibly be it? Then I trick myself into thinking THIS IS IT. In the back of my head I remind myself not to get too excited, but how can you ignore it when you feel like puking very day? How do I keep myself from getting too excited like I did last month? The disappointment last time was the worst one yet. I don't even want to take the test because of the fear of disappointment again.

Last IUI cycle?

Looks like this is almost the end of the IUIs. I've done 5 cycles and the medicine doesn't seem to be as effective as it used to be. The thought of the next step (IVF) freaks me out like crazy. I never, ever thought it would come to this. If the IUI worked once, why can't it work again? IVF is scary...the process, the money, the stress, the time, etc. I've come to terms with this as my future and I'm starting to accept it. When I told my mom the news, she cried. Why does this have to happen to her oldest daughter? I feel so guilty that there's something wrong with me.

The past 2 days I had my last chance before the next step. I begged for two IUIs to increase the chances. Any day now I'll start feeling all the pregnancy symptoms and start getting excited. It's so hard not to get excited, but I always know in the back of my mind that it might just be the meds. Please, please give the me the thing I want most this holiday season.