A year ago today

On December 1, 2010, I had my last cycle of fertility treatments and conceived a little miracle.

Looking back at my old post from December 3, 2010, I was so stressed and emotional. I pretty much assumed that the IUI wouldn't work and I'd be on to IVF for the next cycle. I wanted to be pregnant more than anything, but I was so used to the disappointment by then. It's really amazing to think about how much has changed in the past year.

One year later and I have this cute 3 month old...

Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,

I can't believe it's almost time for you to come out and meet your mommy and daddy. We've waited a long time for you to join us!

When I look back to about 3 years ago, I first think about how scared I was to even think about having a baby. I didn't think I was ready, I wanted to move to a bigger house, and I didn't think I could handle taking care of another little life. I knew I wanted a baby eventually, but I still felt 23 inside and not like a real adult that had to be responsible. Your daddy pushed me, but in a good way, that this was something he really wanted and I started to understand his feelings. I wanted to share in the experience of being pregnant, creating a new life, and sharing our lives with someone that we loved more than anything.

I was excited, but very scared to start this new chapter in our lives. In the back of my mind, for years before, I always felt like it wouldn't be a simple task to get pregnant. I always thought there would be some kind of challenge for us and I was right. When things started to get complicated and we were referred to a fertility clinic, I got scared and overwhelmed. We had no idea what we were getting into when we started working with the wonderful nurses and doctor there. The stress and anxiety of treatments taking over our lives was very hard for me to cope with. Your daddy was my knight in shining armor who kept me laughing and smiling during the difficult days when I would come home and cry.

After our first IUI, we had a little miracle and found out I was pregnant. I thought that we were so lucky to be in the minority that only needed one round of treatment and we'd be done forever. I will never forget that day when we went in for our 8 week ultrasound. I still remember what I was wearing and how I was laying on the exam table with the lights off and your daddy sitting in the chair next to me. When the ultrasound tech brought in the doctor, I started crying and I knew it was bad news. The baby's heart stopped beating and there was nothing they could do. I was numb for the next few days as I waited to have surgery. I'm still tearing up about it now as I write this. That was the most devastating thing your daddy and I ever had to go through together. It was a very sad time in our lives, but it brought us closer together and we had to rely on each other for comfort.

As we grieved, I was eager to move forward and start treatment again. Unfortunately, the next 3 IUIs were not successful and I started to get nervous about what the future would be for us. As we planned for the 5 IUI, the doctor started to suggest IVF. Just hearing that news made me so scared because I never thought it would get to that point. Why couldn't we be like everyone else who got pregnant without trying? How can so many people have children when we can't even have one? The jealousy and sadness ate at me continually.

On our 5th and final IUI, I tried not to get excited because I didn't want to be disappointed. Again, I will never forget the afternoon of December 14, 2011 when your daddy called me at work and told me that the nurse wanted me to come back for bloodwork later in the week. I knew exactly what that meant, but part of me didn't even believe it when I heard it. I ran to the stairway with my cell phone so I could call the nurse to confirm. Yep, my levels showed I was pregnant with you! Of course, it was not the typical celebration because we were so nervous about it. Every day that we got through was one day closer to it being real. Every little pain and discomfort I had made me scared that I would lose you. But every day that I was nauseous and feeling awful told me that you were still inside me growing.

At 9 weeks, we "graduated" from the fertility clinic and I almost didn't even want to go. The nurses and support group there became my second family as they watched me go through the ups and downs. I was happy to be at the next step, but I almost didn't know what to do without them. As the weeks went by, my nerves still got the best of me, but I also wanted to tell the world the big news. On Valentine's Day, we made the announcement and celebrated the start of the second trimester.

As the weeks went by, it started to feel more and more real. The ultrasounds started to show little body parts and I couldn't believe there was a little person growing inside me. (Argh! Surprisingly, I haven't been emotional at all during the pregnancy and writing this is making me cry!) I was one of the "lucky" ones that continued to get morning sickness and was still very tired even during the second trimester. But I kept my mind off it by spending all my free time planning the nursery, reading pregnancy books, and getting excited about the future.

On March 31, we had a very exciting and shocking ultrasound when we found out you were a boy! Both daddy and I thought you were a girl for months because everyone we knew had a boy. I had a hard time with the news at first because you know I love little dresses and girly things, but I got excited as I thought about having a little mommy's boy (just like Kitty). Daddy was so excited about his future athletic son and I was thinking about how my little boy would be the best dressed and the best crayon coloring child in his class!

As the spring went by, my belly got bigger and we got more excited about the future ahead of us. I started to feel you moving around and it was the most amazing feeling! I would lay in bed at night and show Daddy where I could feel it. We'd see little lumps in my belly moving up and down and I loved seeing Daddy talk to you. "Hey Buddy!"

The closer we get to the end, the more blessed I feel that we've gotten this far. We've been so lucky that you've grown without any complications and we get more confident and excited each day as we get closer to your birth day. All we talk about is, "When baby comes..." and everything we're looking forward to doing with you as you grow up. Our lives will never be the same, but they'll be better and more fulfilling as we watch you grow and develop. You are the best thing we could ever ask for and we're so proud that you're going to be a part of our family any day now. We can't wait to meet you!

The best gift for the holidays

is a BFP!

OMG, I still can't even believe this is happening! I wished for this so badly this year and it's finally coming true. A year of treatments, crying, stress, etc. has finally paid off and I can admit that I am happy for the first time since June.

The symptoms have been completely different for this cycle, so I was assuming that the test would be negative. This could not have come at a better time as we were probably about to take the next scary step to IVF. But in the back of my mind, I really hoped this was it. For once, things went my way and I got the result I wanted!

I can't help but be nervous and I started to worry minutes after I got off the phone from hearing the news. I almost wish I could go to sleep and wake up in 2 months once the worst part is over. But my mind is also running non-stop with the thoughts of the happy future and finally joining the mommy club! Wow!

Of course, I had to check my due date last night and it looks like August 24 or 25. The timing could not be more perfect.

Please, please let this be it!

The Long Road to Conception

I decided to start a baby blog to document this huge new & exciting time! I'd like it to be kind of like a modern baby book that I can look back on later.

Let's start at the beginning in May of 2009. I nervously went off of birth control pills with the plan that we would try to have a baby sometime soon. We were getting ready to move and figured it was the perfect time to start this new journey. So I waited and waited for AF and it never came. After 5 months of waiting, I went to see my gyno who wanted me to undergo some hormone testing to make sure nothing was wrong. The tests came back fine and she suggested some hormones and meds to try to kick-start things. It didn't work so we tried again with more meds. Nothing.

Then she referred me to a fertility doctor that deals with this issue more often. I went to see him in January of 2010. He wanted me to undergo even more tests to make sure everything was working properly. Once everything came back, he determined that I was not ovulating which is why I never got AF. No one knows why I wasn't ovulating, but we knew that going to the fertility clinic was the only way I would ever get pregnant.

I started out on a combination of hormones and meds to start things up and I got my first AF in almost a year. I went through 3 months just meds and injections with no luck. During this process, I had a very hard time adjusting to all these changes. We didn't really know what to expect when we started, but it was a lot more emotional and time-consuming than we ever expected. Going for blood tests and ultrasounds twice a week and constantly taking medication and giving myself injections got to be very stressful. We thought about giving up or taking a break, but once I start something, I wanna finish it!

In May of 2010, I had my first IUI which we felt would be a better method for me. I was having a lot of side effects from the medication and the stress of the whole process was starting to get to me. After my IUI, I felt different in some weird way. I was more nauseous, more tired, and I had a hard time running like I used to. I was convinced I was pregnant and got really excited to take the test. The night before the test, I couldn't even sleep! I was too excited about the results I was about to get! However, on Monday May 31, I took the test and it was negative. I was devastated because I knew I felt different.

On Friday June 4, I went back to the doctor to check my hormone levels to start IUI #2. As usual, the nurse called in the afternoon to tell me my tests results. When she called, I was at work and not really paying attention. She usually rattles off a bunch of numbers and I never know what they mean, so I don't pay attention. But then she said my HCG was at a pregnancy level. What?!? I kept asking her what that meant! Does that mean I really am??

After I hung up, it really hit me. NO WAY! I knew I felt different! Women's intuition is definitely popping up now because I just felt something weird ever since the IUI. I anxiously waited the rest of the afternoon so I could go home and do another test. Negative again! What was going on? I wondered if those Dollar Tree tests were even reliable...

I also had not told Hubby the news yet because he was in meetings all day. On my way home, I picked up 2 cookies from the bakery and had them decorated. Then when I got home, I told Hubby I brought home dessert and he should take a look at it.

He didn't get it! Come on now, I had a total of 3 hours to grasp this new information and come up with a cute way to tell him! I tried! I told him about my negative test and he suggested we go buy a digital test to be sure.

The next morning I woke up at 5:45 am because I was so excited.

Finally!

I woke Hubby up from a deep sleep just to tell him. Ever since that day, my mind has been consumed by thoughts of excitement, nervousness, wonder, etc. It's still very early and we need to be very cautious about things. But the baby fever has gotten the best of me! I'm in a great mood every day and I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Just yesterday I was thinking about how I've always just wished I could be happy. I'm always complaining about one thing or another and usually have the "glass is half empty" attitude. This is the first time in so long that I can really say I'm happy and so looking forward to what the future has to bring. I feel so blessed to be at this point after the emotional rollercoaster we were on for the past year.

Here's to the future!

Cheers! (with sparking grape juice, of course)

**This post may get deleted later if I decide to make this blog public**