3 weeks later...

I went to the doctor today for my 3 week follow-up appointment. I was really hoping they would say I was fine and we could get started with treatments again. But no, I have to come back again next week for another HCG test. I'm a little disappointed and frustrated because I just want to start over again. I'm ready to move forward and get past the sadness.

Most days, I'm fine and I go on living my life. But there are random times when I get really sad when I hear people talking about babies or complaining about being pregnant. I just want to scream, "At least you ARE pregnant! I'm not anymore!" or "How come you get to have a baby and I don't?" and then I hold back the tears.

I do have my Kitty "baby" and he keeps me sane. I swear he cries as much as a real baby and he needs just as much attention.

Coping...

I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I'm busy and I can push it out of my mind for most of the day and sometimes I just feel sad. Little things remind me of what happened and I get in a funk.
Yesterday was my first attempt at running in about 2 months. I went to the lake by my house that I normally go to. My goal was to run one side of the lake without stopping, but I ended up doing 2 miles! I pushed myself so hard at the end that I just about collapsed at the end. This huge burst of emotions just hit me as I slowed down.

Being at that lake is bittersweet for me. (I'm going to cry now that I'm writing this...) I started running at the lake in the spring when I was training for my 5k. It was awesome to see my progress in just a few short months. But I also used that lake to deal with my stress and frustration during fertility treatments. I can remember being there so many times when I would almost burst into tears from stress and anxiety.

Then in late May, I suddenly couldn't run anymore. I couldn't figure out why my body couldn't handle it until I got the BFP. So back to the lake I went, but I was walking and it was perfectly fine with me. I spent hours walking around that lake envisioning how I would take my new baby with me next summer and we would walk around and enjoy the weather. One day while walking, I happened to spot someone from high school who was obviously PG and I just wanted to yell out how that would be me soon too.

Then we got the bad news...the day after we found out, I convinced Hubby to go for a walk with me just to get out and get some fresh air. That walk around the lake was a lot different for me. I had to stop a few times when I started to realize this cycle I've gone through in the past few months.

So yesterday was my first day back at the lake after the D&C and you can see how it was a little weird for me. I've gone through a complete cycle and I'm back where I started. I love that lake, but it's hard for me to be there and not think about this now.

My baby angel

To the baby that I carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.

-Lori Jager

I could have written this poem myself, but I'm not into writing that much these days. She wrote exactly how I'm feeling.

The procedure is over and I'm back at home and resting. Yesterday at the hospital, it was extremely scary. The doctors and nurses all asked if I was ok and needed any anxiety medication, so I think showed my emotions pretty well. I felt almost numb as I sat in my blue freezing gown for 3 hours waiting for everything to go down. I was holding it together and then when they got ready to wheel me into the operating room, I freaked out. All the sadness, nervousness, anger came back way too quickly. As soon as I had my drugs, I was out and then waking up to some horrible pain.

On a funny note, the first thing I asked the doctor when I started waking up was if I could eat and if my stomach went down so I could have a 6-pack. SO me!

Fortunately, I think I'm healing pretty well and most of the pain is gone less than 24 hours after. Hubby has been by my side since the beginning and I'm so grateful for him. ::tearing up as I write this::: I could have never gotten through this without him and he has been my "pillar" as he likes to say. We call Kitty my "pebble" as he has also helped by sitting next to me almost 24/7 this week. He senses that I need extra TLC and it's been so nice to have him around me.

Today is a new day and I'm ready to get out of bed and try to have some fun if possible. We're ready to look towards the future and hope for another Baby T soon.

A sad update

This week we went for my 8 week check-up and got some devastating news. The baby was not growing. I was in complete shock and filled with sadness, questions, and anger. Why did this have to happen to us? What did I do wrong? I thought we would be one of the lucky ones that didn't have to go through this. My mind was filled with every emotion I could possibly think of and I didn't know how to cope. It's been a very hard week, but my family has been very supportive. I'm starting to come to terms with this reality, but I know it will take a long time to really cope with this.

Tomorrow I am having a D&C and I will say goodbye to my little angel. While I am very scared and nervous, I look forward to the future. I hope that there will one day be another Baby T to blog about. Until then, I think I may continue to use this to document my journey.

Thank you all for your support and love,
Lisa