And we try again...

So we had a little shocked over the weekend...

It's been almost two months since my miscarriage, so I really didn't expect this so soon.  It was in the back of my mind for the last week or so when I would get a few minutes of nausea and then it would go away.  On Sunday, I felt sick and ran upstairs.  By the time I got to the bathroom, it was too late, but I had to sit down for a few minutes to feel better.  After that, I knew it was time to take the test.

I took it during chaos in the bathroom as Connor ran around asking me to put cds in his Elmo cd player and Daddy was running around the house.  Connor was super crabby, so Daddy tried to calm him down by sitting him on the floor and asking him if he had fun with cousin Grady.  I said I needed to ask him a question next, so I said, "Connor, do you want a baby brother or sister?"

This is was his face as he turned around...and then he burst into tears!

I know he didn't understand and he was still feeling very sad about watching cousin Grady leave that morning.  So anyway, here we go again...

I'm very nervous about this and I'm constantly worrying if this will end sadly again.  I'm trying not to let it mess with me too much, but it's hard to get those thoughts out of your mind when you've already lost 2.  I also have those worries like,  "WTF are we getting in to!?!" Connor has been a little extra crabby recently with his teething, so it hasn't been the best timing to think about taking care of another kid.  I know we'll make it work and I really hope this is finally it.

Me.

I can't help but have a little baby fever lately. My "baby" is a toddler now and a small part of me misses that little newborn snuggly stage.

It's on my mind a LOT lately. Do we? Do we not? What's the best choice for us? I go back and forth all the time, but lately, I lean towards wanting one more. I feel like I'm not ready to be done. I need to know in my mind that I'm done and be okay with that decision and I'm not there right now.

The other reason this has been on my mind a lot lately is because I've been nauseous every morning for the past few weeks. I actually avoided taking the test because I knew it would be a little upsetting if it was negative. Those feeling never, ever go away. No matter how old Connor is and even when I was pregnant, that announcement about someone else being pregnant gives me that little twinge of jealousy and pain. How come it was so easy for them? Why can't that be me?

And then there's all the other things I need to consider too. Can I even get pregnant without the use of fertility drugs? And if I decide I want another one and then I have the same issues, do we really want to go through that again?

I finally gave in and took the test. NEGATIVE. And as I suspected, the result is a little disappointing. I don't know how we would even manage with two, but I was so excited for the idea that it might really be that easy. Maybe I'm finally "fixed" or something. But no.

:::sigh:::

Disappointment. Again.

I really, really thought this was it. I had all the symptoms and I felt "different." But I was deathly scared of doing the test. I didn't want to take it because there was a chance it would be negative and it would crush me. Friday night I had dreams about pregnancy tests all night. I woke up at 5 am and had to run to the bathroom to do the test. I danced around as I waited for "pregnant" to show up on the test. Hubby ran in when he saw the light on and covered my eyes.

He told me it was negative and I burst into tears right on the toilet. I hate even writing this because it's making me so sad again. I cried all morning as I thought about how much I HATE this process and how unfair it is. Why does this have to happen to good people like us? Why does my body hate me? Why can't I give my husband the one thing he wanted by the time he was 30? That's probably the worst feeling this week because I know how important this was to him. He's my "pillar" as he calls it and Kitty is the "pebble" who held me as I cried all morning long.

Thank God for my infertility support group just a couple hours later. They were the only ones that really understood and it felt so good to sit in a room with girls who can really sympathize. The sadness is nowhere near gone, but going there helped a lot. All weekend, I was depressed and I'm still thinking about it 3 days later. WHY ME?

Total surprise

No, not that kind of surprise.

The kind where you're supposed to POAS on Sunday like the doctor said but then you wake up on Friday in horrible pain. Like crying in pain because it hurts so bad and you're wondering if you're dying. Turns out it was cramps, but they were not in the normal place I usually get them. So AF came super early and I didn't even get to POAS. I had a little hope for this cycle and even though I wasn't feeling a lot of symptoms, I thought there was a still a small chance.

The shock on Friday kinda ruined my fun day off of work I had planned. I couldn't help but notice all the moms pushing their strollers around the mall and all the kids running around the food court. I swear there's more kids than ever around me or I notice it way more than I used to.

I went to my infertility support group yesterday and it was really good for me. We have something in common that not a lot of other girls can relate to so it's nice to see how others are coping. We talk a lot about how to deal with other people's comments, being put in awkward situations with other moms, and how to deal with the emotions and stress that takes a toll on us. I felt better after I got back and I'm ready for cycle #7 next week.