Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,

I can't believe it's almost time for you to come out and meet your mommy and daddy. We've waited a long time for you to join us!

When I look back to about 3 years ago, I first think about how scared I was to even think about having a baby. I didn't think I was ready, I wanted to move to a bigger house, and I didn't think I could handle taking care of another little life. I knew I wanted a baby eventually, but I still felt 23 inside and not like a real adult that had to be responsible. Your daddy pushed me, but in a good way, that this was something he really wanted and I started to understand his feelings. I wanted to share in the experience of being pregnant, creating a new life, and sharing our lives with someone that we loved more than anything.

I was excited, but very scared to start this new chapter in our lives. In the back of my mind, for years before, I always felt like it wouldn't be a simple task to get pregnant. I always thought there would be some kind of challenge for us and I was right. When things started to get complicated and we were referred to a fertility clinic, I got scared and overwhelmed. We had no idea what we were getting into when we started working with the wonderful nurses and doctor there. The stress and anxiety of treatments taking over our lives was very hard for me to cope with. Your daddy was my knight in shining armor who kept me laughing and smiling during the difficult days when I would come home and cry.

After our first IUI, we had a little miracle and found out I was pregnant. I thought that we were so lucky to be in the minority that only needed one round of treatment and we'd be done forever. I will never forget that day when we went in for our 8 week ultrasound. I still remember what I was wearing and how I was laying on the exam table with the lights off and your daddy sitting in the chair next to me. When the ultrasound tech brought in the doctor, I started crying and I knew it was bad news. The baby's heart stopped beating and there was nothing they could do. I was numb for the next few days as I waited to have surgery. I'm still tearing up about it now as I write this. That was the most devastating thing your daddy and I ever had to go through together. It was a very sad time in our lives, but it brought us closer together and we had to rely on each other for comfort.

As we grieved, I was eager to move forward and start treatment again. Unfortunately, the next 3 IUIs were not successful and I started to get nervous about what the future would be for us. As we planned for the 5 IUI, the doctor started to suggest IVF. Just hearing that news made me so scared because I never thought it would get to that point. Why couldn't we be like everyone else who got pregnant without trying? How can so many people have children when we can't even have one? The jealousy and sadness ate at me continually.

On our 5th and final IUI, I tried not to get excited because I didn't want to be disappointed. Again, I will never forget the afternoon of December 14, 2011 when your daddy called me at work and told me that the nurse wanted me to come back for bloodwork later in the week. I knew exactly what that meant, but part of me didn't even believe it when I heard it. I ran to the stairway with my cell phone so I could call the nurse to confirm. Yep, my levels showed I was pregnant with you! Of course, it was not the typical celebration because we were so nervous about it. Every day that we got through was one day closer to it being real. Every little pain and discomfort I had made me scared that I would lose you. But every day that I was nauseous and feeling awful told me that you were still inside me growing.

At 9 weeks, we "graduated" from the fertility clinic and I almost didn't even want to go. The nurses and support group there became my second family as they watched me go through the ups and downs. I was happy to be at the next step, but I almost didn't know what to do without them. As the weeks went by, my nerves still got the best of me, but I also wanted to tell the world the big news. On Valentine's Day, we made the announcement and celebrated the start of the second trimester.

As the weeks went by, it started to feel more and more real. The ultrasounds started to show little body parts and I couldn't believe there was a little person growing inside me. (Argh! Surprisingly, I haven't been emotional at all during the pregnancy and writing this is making me cry!) I was one of the "lucky" ones that continued to get morning sickness and was still very tired even during the second trimester. But I kept my mind off it by spending all my free time planning the nursery, reading pregnancy books, and getting excited about the future.

On March 31, we had a very exciting and shocking ultrasound when we found out you were a boy! Both daddy and I thought you were a girl for months because everyone we knew had a boy. I had a hard time with the news at first because you know I love little dresses and girly things, but I got excited as I thought about having a little mommy's boy (just like Kitty). Daddy was so excited about his future athletic son and I was thinking about how my little boy would be the best dressed and the best crayon coloring child in his class!

As the spring went by, my belly got bigger and we got more excited about the future ahead of us. I started to feel you moving around and it was the most amazing feeling! I would lay in bed at night and show Daddy where I could feel it. We'd see little lumps in my belly moving up and down and I loved seeing Daddy talk to you. "Hey Buddy!"

The closer we get to the end, the more blessed I feel that we've gotten this far. We've been so lucky that you've grown without any complications and we get more confident and excited each day as we get closer to your birth day. All we talk about is, "When baby comes..." and everything we're looking forward to doing with you as you grow up. Our lives will never be the same, but they'll be better and more fulfilling as we watch you grow and develop. You are the best thing we could ever ask for and we're so proud that you're going to be a part of our family any day now. We can't wait to meet you!

A year ago today - July 2

A year ago today we said goodbye to our first baby.

I found out at 8 weeks that the baby stopped growing and the heartbeat stopped. I will never forget that horrible day that we found out and the agony we went through trying to understand why. We thought we were so lucky to have gotten pregnant on the first IUI and we never thought we'd be in the percentage that had to go through a loss.

It was one of the hardest experiences we've had to go through since we got married, but it brought us closer. Our heartache pushed us to lean on each other and support each other emotionally.

5 IUIs later and we finally had our little miracle! I'm so happy to put this memory in the past and move forward towards the future. Our little boy will be here in such a short time!

Last IUI cycle?

Looks like this is almost the end of the IUIs. I've done 5 cycles and the medicine doesn't seem to be as effective as it used to be. The thought of the next step (IVF) freaks me out like crazy. I never, ever thought it would come to this. If the IUI worked once, why can't it work again? IVF is scary...the process, the money, the stress, the time, etc. I've come to terms with this as my future and I'm starting to accept it. When I told my mom the news, she cried. Why does this have to happen to her oldest daughter? I feel so guilty that there's something wrong with me.

The past 2 days I had my last chance before the next step. I begged for two IUIs to increase the chances. Any day now I'll start feeling all the pregnancy symptoms and start getting excited. It's so hard not to get excited, but I always know in the back of my mind that it might just be the meds. Please, please give the me the thing I want most this holiday season.

Maybe a Halloween baby?

After a meeting with the doctor after the last cycle, we decided to increase my injection doses to be a little more intense. The secret is finding the exact formula of hormones, injections, and days of the cycle that will be the best for the IUI. I've been closely monitored during this cycle and ended up at the office for blood test and ultrasounds 4 out of the last 5 days. It's been been very stressful to make the time to get there every day, but I'm hoping that watching everything this closely will help. To our surprise, we ended up having the IUI on a weekend which we've never done before.

Yesterday at support group, someone reminded me that my IUI would be on Halloween and I hadn't even though about that! How cool would it be to make a Halloween baby? This is the perfect time and I would love to have a baby next summer when it's still warm out. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but I feel like we've done everything SO carefully for this cycle. Crossing our fingers, toes, and Kitty's paws that this one works.

Not feeling it this time...

This cycle was different. It was a longer wait until ovulation and I'm not feeling like I normally do after the IUI. I still have another week before POAS, but I'm pretty sure it's negative. I usually have pregnancy symptoms right up until the next AF and my hormones are all over the place. This time is different and I feel completely normal.

Also, the doctor always puts me on more hormone meds for the 2-week wait, but this time he didn't. So I'm very confused and questioning what went wrong this time. I guess I'm just going to assume this cycle sucked because I don't know what else to think.

Cycle #6

Here we go again...

Tomorrow is my IUI for cycle #6. The whole cycle has been a little off from my previous ones. My follicles took a lot longer than normal to enlarge so the cycle has been longer and I had 12 days of injections before the HCG trigger shot. I was told as long as things were progressing, I should be fine and didn't have to worry about having a canceled cycle. But it's a little strange and I can't help but wonder whether this is a waste.

I'm going into it with somewhat positive thoughts tomorrow. I'm sick of getting excited and then let down, but there's always that little glimmer of hope that maybe this is IT.

Round 5 has begun

I went through 5 nights of Follistim injections and took my Ovidrel trigger shot last night.

Tomorrow IUI #2 is scheduled for noon! IUI#1 was technically successful, so I'm really hoping #2 will be also!