Me.

So yeah, this is kind of a shock.  Never thought in a million years I'd ever see a two-digit number when weighing myself.  (Ignore my nasty nail polish, but hey, it's winter.)  I weighed 100 when I started college, so I probably weighed 96 during my senior year in high school or something.  I obviously don't have the same body anymore since everything has shifted around from childbirth, and I definitely don't feel like I'm in high school.

The baby weight kind of flew off this time due to 2 kids, running around like a crazy person, breastfeeding, and my migraine meds that can cause weight loss.  Honestly, it's kind of nice to have one less thing to worry about right now, so I'm enjoying the fact that I can have a beer every other night (dark beer for milk supply) and a couple lactation cookies.  I'm 99% sure I'm gaining at least 5 lbs back after I stop breastfeeding, so I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.  I'm still eating the same way I always did and working out the same amount I always have. 

Someone recently told me they were a little worried because I looked too skinny and part of me was like, "Well, thanks!" and then part of me was like, "Ooh, well, maybe I look worse than I thought."  But that's the normal struggle I've always had.  I don't have any kind of eating disorder and I don't work out too much.  If you know me, you'll see me drink beer and eat dessert.  I've fluctuated up and down 15 pounds in the past 15 years (when not pregnant).  I'm not confident and I'm uncomfortable with myself when I'm bigger.  Yes, maybe people thought I looked better being a little bigger, but to me, it felt odd.  To grow up always being skinny, I didn't feel comfortable NOT being that way. 

Anyway, this post kind of went off on a tangent of where I was planning on going, but I won't delete it now.  This is more of just a record of where I am not at 7 months post-partum.  I can guarantee I'll be back up by the end of summer when I'm breastfeeding a lot less, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.  One day, I'll look back at this photo and be shocked!

Best Friend

He looked up at me and said, "You're my best friend, Mama."

Heart melted.

Caylee's Birthmarks

Now that it's been almost 7 months, I thought it was a good time to do a birthmark update.  Considering they were pretty much non-existent when she was born, they've gotten a lot bigger.  However, the doctor is still promising me that the strawberry marks will go away.  She said the little gray areas are showing progress that they're starting to heal and I can see hair starting to grow in them too.  The smaller "stork bites" are probably permanent, but at least those aren't as obvious.  Her hair should cover those completely.

Since she can sit up now, they're definitely more obvious than they were when she was laying down all the time.  They're a part of who she is, but I do hope the strawberry marks get smaller as she grows up.  I would hate for her to be made fun of if it takes awhile for her hair to grow in.  That's why she wears so many pretty hair bows!

I'm an emotional mess today

I go back to work tomorrow.

I'm going to miss spending every waking minute with this little face.


It didn't really hit me until today as I sit here in the dark with her sleeping next to me.

This week, I tried to make it a little extra special by taking more photos...

And capturing every little detail...

But it still just doesn't seem like enough to make me feel good about going back...

Yeah, I miss seeing my coworkers and hearing the gossip, but I'm gonna miss the snuggles and this face more.

I know I have to do it...it's just so, so hard to get through the days leading up to it.  Once I'm back, it will be routine and I won't know any different.  I have to remind myself that I never look back and wish I would have done it differently with Connor.  I'm giving them the life I want them to have by working.  They're going to grow up and understand that we decided this to give them the best childhood and best education. 

As I'm typing this, I'm crying.  She's growing up so fast.  She was a newborn just yesterday and now she just looks so big sitting next to me.  She's just about ready to find her right hand, she loves to sit up and look around, and she looks more like a baby than a scrunched up newborn.  It's everything I ever wanted, but it just happens so fast.  I love her more than anything and I feel like my family is complete.

She's about ready to breastfeed and I'm running out of tears, so I'm going to stop now.  Love you, Miss Caylee, my baby girl.

Strawberry Mark

Looks like Caylee is taking after her big brother with a little strawberry mark.  It started to appear when she was about a week old and has gotten bigger in the last few weeks.  Luckily, it's hidden by her hair and there's a few hairs starting to grow around it.  It's hard to see, but there are small red dots that go down right below it and stop around her hairline.

Connor's was on the back of his leg and I was happy to see that it was completely gone in less than a year.  I hope this one disappears that quickly and I hope the hair grows in once it's gone.  It's actually kinda cute in a weird way, but I don't want her to have a bald spot!

Me. Week 3.

The last 3 weeks have flown by and everything is kind of a blur now.

The first few days at home were really hard and I was super emotional.  I know it was probably the hormones, but at the time, I worried that it might continue and it was just going to be too overwhelming for me.  Fortunately, after things slowed down, I felt better and started to settle in to a new routine.  It's been really nice that Caylee is a good baby and sleeps a lot so I can keep up on life.  The more I get behind with normal things like doing dishes, laundry, reading email, etc., the more stressed I get.  But since she's so sleepy, I've been able to keep up with everything else.

When I was in the hospital, all the meds and IVs made me swell up even more than I was before.  My face looked disgusting and so bloated.  When they weighed me, I was sad to see that I had only lost the weight of the baby and nothing else by the time I went home.  I knew I shouldn't be concentrating on my weight and how I looked right away, but it was hard not to at least think about it.  As Caylee's first week came to a close, I went back to the OB to make sure my blood pressure was down and make sure my blood tests were normal again.  When the nurse weighed me, I was in shock...and so I weighed myself when I got home again just to be sure.  Down 20 pounds!  What?!?

Weight at BFP: 110
Weight at Caylee's birth: 135
Weight at 1 week post-partum: 115

I must have had way more water weight that I ever thought because I didn't even think it was possible to lose 20 pounds in a week.  I thought I gained a lot more over the pregnancy just based on how I was eating and how I couldn't work out as much as I wanted to.

Even though my weight went down, I still couldn't fit into any shorts or pants because of my hips, so I ended up going out to buy a new pair of shorts.  I need something besides yoga pants...maybe?

So now it's 3 weeks post-partum...  I'm down another 2 pounds and I'm starting to fit into a couple pairs of jeans.  Emotionally, I'm doing pretty well too.  I have times when I feel overwhelmed, but I'm trying to work through them and just take things one at a time with my to-do list.  The one thing that I need to get out of my head is constantly thinking about how much time I have left before I have to go back to work.  I don't want to focus on it all the time, but it's hard not to have it in the back of my head.  I also worry that I don't spend enough time treasuring the newborn time when I feel like I have so much other stuff to do.  I want to make more of an effort to spend quality time with her and less time trying to keep up with emails and technology, but it's hard because if I don't keep up, I get stressed.  The time goes so fast each day!

I'll figure it out eventually, I guess...

My new normal

I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new normal.  My new normal consists of feeling like crap every minute of the day.  It's funny how you forget this part of pregnancy because I really don't remember feeling this shitty every single day.  Of course, now, I have a toddler to take care of and I can't go home and rest every night when I get home from work.  I also haven't told anyone at work or my family yet, so I can explain why I feel so horrible all the time.  

I think I'm about ready to tell people because I don't like to lie and I keep catching myself in awkward situations.  It would be a lot easier to understand why I look gross and eat tons of club crackers if they knew the truth.

I just spent 20 minutes laying down in the bathroom at work and it was amazing!  If only the wifi on my phone worked better in there...and if only I would stop thinking about all the stains on the cushion that I was laying on...EW.  I'd really like to go to the gym, but I don't think I can make myself do it.  It sounds like torture right now, but in the back of my mind, I keep telling myself how I need to go.  I'll feel better if I go and I can't get too lazy so quickly.  Does walking up the 2 flights of stairs to the 3rd floor at work count if it makes me out of breath?

I'm already down 2 pairs of pants from this morning's enjoyable experience in the mirror.  I feel like it's way to early to do the rubber band trick or use a band b/c I haven't even gone to the doctor yet.  It's like I would be jinxing it or something.  2 weeks from today I get to finally go to the doctor!  

Thoughts...

Black.

I just realized I wore black to work for 3 days in a row. 

A coincidence? 

Or maybe a symbol of how I feel inside this week?

:::sigh:::

Trying to move on...

It's hard.

I try to stay busy so I don't have to think about it.

But when I have time on my own to reflect, I get sad.  Little things remind me of what I had last week that I don't have anymore.  The homemade cornbread that I named my "pregnancy cornbread" looks disgusting.  The shelves I started organizing in the new baby's room can go away now.  The Google searches I did for big brother shirts need to be erased from my history.

I'll get through it, and I'll move on, but the memories stick with me forever.

It's over.

I woke up this morning to some bad cramping and a lot of blood.  I instantly knew what was going on.  I cried myself to sleep for awhile until the cramping pain woke me up again.  When Connor woke up, we told him Mommy had an owie and he brought me a kleenex.  He's the sweetest boy and it made me cry even more.

I spent the morning in bed crying and trying to come to terms with this devastation.  AGAIN.  I've already been through this once and I don't understand why I have to go through it again a second time.  I really thought this time was different.

The doctor was able to see me later in the morning and confirmed from the ultrasound that there was no longer a pregnancy.  My head was pounding as I heard the news and I burst into tears.

We left the doctor and drove home in silence.  There's nothing to say as we think about the fact that we lost another baby today.  Connor's baby sibling is gone.  Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes?  I thought we finally had a miracle and I really thought everything would be perfect this time.  I'm overwhelmed with sadness and anger, but it's almost a numb feeling too.  I've run out of tears and I'm avoiding really letting it sink in.

All day, I've been longing to see Connor's smile and get a big hug from him.  I don't know what I would do without him in my life.  Losing a baby is very hard, but I feel like I have to be strong for Connor.  I still have to welcome him with a smile every time I see him and he'll always cheer me up instantly.  It will be many years until he knows what went on today and I want him to enjoy every day to the fullest.  It's only been 3 days since his second birthday and it's so bittersweet to end his birthday weekend with devastation like this. 

I probably have more to say, but I don't really feel like thinking about it anymore.  That's all for now...

Happy 2nd Birthday Connor!

It's hard to believe you turned 2 years old today.

It feels like you were just a little newborn snuggling in my arms and now you're a little boy who talks, walks and has a little personality of his own.  You're everything I could have ever dreamed of and more.  I could not ask for a more perfect, smart, and amazing child to call my own.  You light up a room with your smiles and energy.  You are so interested in every little thing and you love to be a big boy and do things by yourself.  I look forward to seeing your big smile every morning when I get you from your bed and you give me a big hug.  I adore every little hug, kiss, hand-holding, and "I love you" and I know you're such a mommy's boy.  You also love being with your Daddy when he makes you giggle, throws you around, teaches you to use tools, and mows the lawn with you.  I love our special time each week when we go shopping in the shopping cart, go to the park, or do a little art together.  You're the most amazing thing that ever happened in my life and I love you more than you will ever know!  Happy birthday to my sweet little boy!

Some of my favorite memories of the past year...

Ummm, what?

Saturday was quite a big day for our little family.  Here's how it all went down...

I was supposed to get AF this week and I had predicted it for Wednesday based on previous cycles.  I was ready to go and kept expecting it all day on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  By Friday night, I started to over-analyze and wonder what was going on.  I kept re-checking my calendar from the previous months and counting how many days each cycle was to figure out why it was so late.  But of course, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe there was another reason I hadn't gotten it yet.

Friday after work, I ran home and nervously took a dollar store pregnancy test.  It was negative and I got a little upset, but I figured AF would show overnight.  On Saturday morning, I woke up early and laid in bed thinking.  Those stupid dollar store tests are crappy and I remembered that I got false negative both times I used them in the past.  The thoughts cycled in my mind all morning.  After lunch, Connor took a nap and I had some privacy to take a real pregnancy test I found in the back of the closet.  I slowly watched it as the first line appeared and then the second one came in very, very lightly.  Holy crap.  But is it really a line?  I looked through the instructions and it said it didn't matter how dark the line was.  But the more I stared at the line, the more I felt like it was slowly disappearing and I wasn't sure if it was even really a line. 

I thought about it for another hour or so while I did some cleaning.  I told the husband was going to Target for some soap, but I ended up picking up a digital test while I was there.  Then I would really know for sure!  I got home and did my thing...those 3 minutes were so, so long! I was walking in circles in the bathroom while I watched that little hourglass image blink.  Finally, a word popped up.

OMG.

I started freaking out.

Scared, excited, confused...so many emotions all at once!

When Connor woke up from his nap, I took him out shopping for a bit and I kinda kept my eye out for a Big Brother shirt.  I feel like I see them all the time, but of course, when you need one, you can't find one anywhere.  Also, I slowly found out that most only come in bigger sizes starting at 3T.  Anyway, we got home and I told Connor to go give Daddy a little gift we got him.  I wrapped up the positive test and put it in a gift bag for Connor to give to him.  They both sat down on the couch and he slowly opened the bag.  His first words were, "Are you serious?" and Connor grabbed the test thinking it was a pen.

He was in shock!  We asked Connor if he wanted a brother or a sister and he repeated both.  Nope, you only get one!

So anyway, now that this has set in a little, I'm freaked out.  I'm scared too.  

How did we get lucky enough to have this happen naturally after everything we went through in the past?  Connor was such a good baby and we were really blessed, but what if this baby is the opposite?  How will we get through it?  How will we pay for 2 kids in daycare?  How will we get everything done in time?  Oh my gosh, I need to start reorganizing the entire house to make enough room.  How will Connor deal with this? 

My mind is racing with questions and worries right now.  I want to get to the doctor to make sure everything is ok, so I'm hoping I can get in soon.  I also don't have any symptoms besides no appetite and peeing a little more often, so I want to confirm it.  So crazy! 

A More Serious Look at Myself on My 30th

Every once in awhile, I reflect on my emotional state and I think it's time to really think about it. What better time than my 30th birhtday? After many years of struggles with depression and anxiety, I feel better than I ever have. I know I have Connor to thank for this.

The road to becoming pregnant was very hard on me, but being pregnant really turned things around. I was feeling a lot better and a lot of my anxiety disappeared. But I was really, really worried about post-partum depression. When I was pregnant, I tried to prepare myself as best I could to be ready for it and watch for the signs. I talked to my doctor about it and I was ready to take the next step if I needed to. Of course, the first week of Connor's life I was a total mess. I thought I was going downhill pretty quickly. But it was more of just getting used to having a newborn, being a mom, and learning how to cope with things. Quickly, I got used to my new life with a baby and I was HAPPY.

Going back to work was a little emotional for me, but again, I made it through that tough time and stayed happy. It's been over 7.5 months since Connor was born and I haven't had any feelings of depression. This is what life if supposed to be like! It's truly an amazing feeling to be normal again and just be happy with my life as it is. I used to be such a negative person and that has completely changed. Nothing else is so bad that it takes away from that big smile I see every morning and every night.

I'm sure I will have my ups and downs throughout my life as I've had for the past 15 years, but it's so nice to know that I don't have to worry about this right now. Life is so much better when you can enjoy it instead of worrying or being sad all the time. If someone would have told me this before I had Connor, I don't think I would have believed them. He really did change my life in so many amazing ways!

Accepting reality

I put a lot of pressure on myself to continue to breastfeed as long as I can. I've had some really great role models (friends) who have done it and it really inspired me to keep going. Before Connor was born, I figured I'd try it and see how it went. But I've been very lucky that Connor has never had a problem with nursing at all, so I just kept going with it. Going back to work made things more difficult, but I've been able to keep up with pumping for the most part.

But for the last month or so, it's getting harder. I've been sick 3 times in less than two months and it made my supply go down. I've been stressed and busy at work which cut down on my milk and I've had to skip a few pumping sessions. I gave up pumping on most nights because I was so tired and couldn't stay awake long enough. It's getting hard for me to pump enough milk at work and we've had to dive into my freezer stash.

The three times a day I have to pump at work gives me a lot of time to think. I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep this going. If I don't pump the ideal 21 oz. per day, I get mad at myself. I'm constantly worried about not having enough and being forced to supplement with formula. I guess I really need to focus on the fact that this is not the worst thing in the world. I'm trying my best and that should be enough. I just wish I could remember that.

A Day in my Life (working mom style)

This was an idea started by Jen in our August 2011 group. It's pretty interesting to read how everyone spends their days and I'm sure this will be funny for me to read in a few years.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

5:00 am
Alarm goes off and I get up. Time to shower and start to get ready for work.

5:21 am
Go downstairs and give Kitty his breakfast. Then I get some Peanut Butter Cheerios for myself and take it upstairs to eat while I watch the news.

5:27 am
Wake up the munchkin & feel horrible that I have to wake him while he's still completely asleep. Make sure Daddy is awake and in the shower.

5:32 am
Nurse Connor while I watch the news and catch up on Facebook.
6:05 am
Finishing getting Connor and I ready to go.

6:25 am
Connor, Hubby and I are out the door and on our way.

6:54 am
Get to work and turn on my computer to see my favorite face. (My coworkers set this up for me on my first day back after maternity leave.)

8:27 am
First pumping session
This is the mother's room at work. There's two little spaces with shower curtains and a small fridge to store milk. The one in the photo is "mine" since there's only 2 of us pumping right now.

For my first pumping session of the day, I always read the newspaper.

9:12 am
Headed to the bathroom and figured I'd take a photo so I can remember how I dressed for work. I dress up 2-3x a week and wear jeans for the other days.

9:46 am
Morning snack

10:17 am
Not really feeling too creative today, but at least it looks like I'm working.

11:24 am
Second pumping session
I usually check TMZ and CNN on my phone. I play Solitaire until I win and then I read magazines.

12:07 pm
A quick workout at the gym across the street from work. I did 20 minutes on the treadmill and then some abs and arms.

1:07 pm
Warmed up my frozen Smart Ones for lunch

2:21 pm
Last pumping session for the day while I played Solitaire on my phone and read some emails.

3:00 pm
Meeting with the checks team and we actually got out at a decent time! Usually the meeting goes for almost 90 minutes because we end up chatting about reality tv.

4:07 pm
Out the door and on my way home!

4:33 pm
Stopped at the cleaner to drop off clothes

4:49 pm
Paid some bills (Yes, I have sock monkey checks!)

4:57 pm
Do the dishes left in the sink

5:03 pm
Play with Kitty for a few minutes

5:09 pm
Watch Parenthood from last night while I put away laundry

5:27 pm
Migraine and I can't stand it anymore!

5:35 pm
Daddy and Connor are home! Connor was sleeping from his ride home.

5:51 pm
Hubby was playing video games tonight, so I made a quick dinner of microwave Jack Daniels shredded chicken and club soda. I ate dinner while I nursed Connor and watched tv in bed.

6:34 pm

Diaper change on the bedroom floor

6:41 pm
Playing on the floor

6:52 pm
Saying hello to himself in the mirror

7:00 pm
Time for my tv shows and play time in the boppy

7:13 pm
Dance party during commercials! I played fun songs from YouTube and we danced.

7:30 pm
All swaddled and ready for bed

7:42 pm
Worked on some Valentine's Day crafts for a little bit

8:00 pm
Snuggled up in bed with Kitty and passed out by 8:30!

Busy day in my life, but that's my typical day!