It's over.

I woke up this morning to some bad cramping and a lot of blood.  I instantly knew what was going on.  I cried myself to sleep for awhile until the cramping pain woke me up again.  When Connor woke up, we told him Mommy had an owie and he brought me a kleenex.  He's the sweetest boy and it made me cry even more.

I spent the morning in bed crying and trying to come to terms with this devastation.  AGAIN.  I've already been through this once and I don't understand why I have to go through it again a second time.  I really thought this time was different.

The doctor was able to see me later in the morning and confirmed from the ultrasound that there was no longer a pregnancy.  My head was pounding as I heard the news and I burst into tears.

We left the doctor and drove home in silence.  There's nothing to say as we think about the fact that we lost another baby today.  Connor's baby sibling is gone.  Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes?  I thought we finally had a miracle and I really thought everything would be perfect this time.  I'm overwhelmed with sadness and anger, but it's almost a numb feeling too.  I've run out of tears and I'm avoiding really letting it sink in.

All day, I've been longing to see Connor's smile and get a big hug from him.  I don't know what I would do without him in my life.  Losing a baby is very hard, but I feel like I have to be strong for Connor.  I still have to welcome him with a smile every time I see him and he'll always cheer me up instantly.  It will be many years until he knows what went on today and I want him to enjoy every day to the fullest.  It's only been 3 days since his second birthday and it's so bittersweet to end his birthday weekend with devastation like this. 

I probably have more to say, but I don't really feel like thinking about it anymore.  That's all for now...