Precious Siblings.

It's the stuff like this that makes my heart melt.

We figured out that the kids are big enough to hold hands in my car now!  The cutest part was that Caylee copied everything Connor did on the ride from dinner to Walmart, so she followed him nodding his head, clapping, waving, etc.

Happy Birthday, Caylee!

Covered in cake and icing,
your smile stretched ear to ear.
A single candle celebrates,
the joy of your first year.

We sing Happy Birthday,
you play midst wrap and bows.
We marvel at how you touched our lives,
just one year ago.

I remember the first time I held you,
kissed your head, whispered your name.
you've changed our lives forever,
Our hearts will never be the same.

As a child you'll love this day,
for all the sweets and presents too.
As parents we'll love your day,
for the gift we got was you.

Each year we'll add another candle,
so proud to see you grow.
But always with the memory,
of your first day long ago.

I can't believe it's been a year since this day.  That was one of the longest days of my life, but it was all worth it when we got the most precious gift at the end.  My heart and family are truly complete with you here.

Our matching bracelets are something I will treasure forever. 
Mama and my two babies <3 br="">

That sweet little face on your first day in the world

All those perfect little baby features that I just wanted to treasure forever...

Before I knew it, you were 3 months old and a smiley little girl!

You learned to sit by yourself at about 6 months and started saying, "Dada!"

At 8 months, you were already loving every food you tried and starting to really enjoy playing with your big brother.

At 10 months, your little personality was developing, you started to crawl, and you really started to interact and play with Connor.

And at 12 months, you're a little girl! You look more and more like Connor (and I) each day, you're trying to talk, you're more interested in standing up, and you love to eat!

My love, you are one today

And learning so very much,

There is nothing in this house,

That you don’t want to touch!

Your fingerprints are evident,

In every single place,

Along with the mischievous smile,

On your little face!

You have made our lives complete,

In each and every way

You alone brighten up

Every single day.

You are our special little girl,

We’ll watch your life unfold,

Have a Happy Birthday.

Now you are one year old!

Happy Birthday to my sweet baby girl.  I love you so, so much!

Mother's Day Morning

I was surprised on Mother's Day morning with some little gifts on the table at Grandma & Grandpa's house.

Connor gave me a big hug while I read the card that he signed for me.

He made me the cutest tote bag at school!

Caylee made me a footprint canvas at school too.

Dada did something very special and sweet after I went to bed the night before.  He fixed the crayon sign that Connor broke a couple months ago.  I was heartbroken and cried when he broke it, so Dada stayed up late and redid it for me.  Connor promised he wouldn't break it again, so it went back up in his room this week.

Dada made passion fruit mimosas for breakfast, so Caylee and I had matching orange drinks!

A Special Outfit from Mama to Daughter

This week, I finally remembered to take a few minutes to dress up Caylee in a special outfit knitted by my Grandma (her Nana).  This outfit was my going home outfit from the hospital when I was born and my mom found it right after Caylee was born.

The styles have changed since 1982 with the big bonnet and wide cardigan, but it's still a classic look.  Her ruffle leggings made it look a little more contemporary!

My grandma is going to be so excited when she sees these photos!

2 Months!

Weight: 9 lbs, 9 oz. (TBA) 

Height: 22.75 inches (TBA)

Head: 37 cm (TBA)

The doctor's computer system was down, so I'll have to add percentages later when I get them.

Look at that little smile!

She's so big now!  I feel like she's grown up so much in the past month.  She's had her first time sleeping through the night, her first smile, first coo, first play time with a toy, etc.  She loves to smile if you can catch her at a time when she wants to hang out without her pacifier.  We play "faces" a lot just like I used to do with Connor after feedings when she's full and happy.  She copies my faces like opening my mouth, sticking out my tongue and smiling.  

She eats about every 3 hours although sometimes it's a little more often during the day if we're at home.  If we're out, she sleeps the majority of the time and she can go a little longer.  It's not like she's starving because she's quite the little chunker!  Not that she's huge, but she's quite the little piggy compared to Connor who was almost a pound less than her and 1/2 inch shorter at this age!  She's quickly retiring a lot of her newborn clothes so I'm putting away a lot of the sleepers long sleeve onesies (sleeves are getting too short).  We switched to size 1 diapers last week to try to help with the blowouts although I don't think that's made much of a difference so far.

I'm loving that she's been sleeping through the night since she was 5 weeks old.  She goes to bed at about 8:30 and wakes up around 5:30-6.  The timing is perfect since I'll be waking her around 5:45-6 to eat before work in the mornings.

Her baby acne is just starting up this week (poor girl), but that's just an excuse to make more hair bows and dress extra cute, right? The pediatrician also said her strawberry marks look like they're just starting to go away since the big one is starting to turn gray.  The little flat pink bumps might be permanent, but they should be covered by her hair.  The strawberry marks will definitely go away and hair will grow in eventually.

I have 3 weeks of leave left with my little love and I want to enjoy every minute.  My life feels so complete with my little ones!

Babywearing

Look at me!  I'm getting more confident with the ring sling now that I've done it a few times.  It's really nice to be able to spend time with her and get things done around the house while she sleeps.

Unfortunately, the sling was hurting my shoulder after awhile, so I tried the Baby Bjorn the next day.  I think I actually like this better because it distributes the weight between both sides.  I didn't think it would work with such a young baby, but she loved it!

Thoughts...

It's over.

I woke up this morning to some bad cramping and a lot of blood.  I instantly knew what was going on.  I cried myself to sleep for awhile until the cramping pain woke me up again.  When Connor woke up, we told him Mommy had an owie and he brought me a kleenex.  He's the sweetest boy and it made me cry even more.

I spent the morning in bed crying and trying to come to terms with this devastation.  AGAIN.  I've already been through this once and I don't understand why I have to go through it again a second time.  I really thought this time was different.

The doctor was able to see me later in the morning and confirmed from the ultrasound that there was no longer a pregnancy.  My head was pounding as I heard the news and I burst into tears.

We left the doctor and drove home in silence.  There's nothing to say as we think about the fact that we lost another baby today.  Connor's baby sibling is gone.  Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes?  I thought we finally had a miracle and I really thought everything would be perfect this time.  I'm overwhelmed with sadness and anger, but it's almost a numb feeling too.  I've run out of tears and I'm avoiding really letting it sink in.

All day, I've been longing to see Connor's smile and get a big hug from him.  I don't know what I would do without him in my life.  Losing a baby is very hard, but I feel like I have to be strong for Connor.  I still have to welcome him with a smile every time I see him and he'll always cheer me up instantly.  It will be many years until he knows what went on today and I want him to enjoy every day to the fullest.  It's only been 3 days since his second birthday and it's so bittersweet to end his birthday weekend with devastation like this. 

I probably have more to say, but I don't really feel like thinking about it anymore.  That's all for now...

Ummm, what?

Saturday was quite a big day for our little family.  Here's how it all went down...

I was supposed to get AF this week and I had predicted it for Wednesday based on previous cycles.  I was ready to go and kept expecting it all day on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  By Friday night, I started to over-analyze and wonder what was going on.  I kept re-checking my calendar from the previous months and counting how many days each cycle was to figure out why it was so late.  But of course, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe there was another reason I hadn't gotten it yet.

Friday after work, I ran home and nervously took a dollar store pregnancy test.  It was negative and I got a little upset, but I figured AF would show overnight.  On Saturday morning, I woke up early and laid in bed thinking.  Those stupid dollar store tests are crappy and I remembered that I got false negative both times I used them in the past.  The thoughts cycled in my mind all morning.  After lunch, Connor took a nap and I had some privacy to take a real pregnancy test I found in the back of the closet.  I slowly watched it as the first line appeared and then the second one came in very, very lightly.  Holy crap.  But is it really a line?  I looked through the instructions and it said it didn't matter how dark the line was.  But the more I stared at the line, the more I felt like it was slowly disappearing and I wasn't sure if it was even really a line. 

I thought about it for another hour or so while I did some cleaning.  I told the husband was going to Target for some soap, but I ended up picking up a digital test while I was there.  Then I would really know for sure!  I got home and did my thing...those 3 minutes were so, so long! I was walking in circles in the bathroom while I watched that little hourglass image blink.  Finally, a word popped up.

OMG.

I started freaking out.

Scared, excited, confused...so many emotions all at once!

When Connor woke up from his nap, I took him out shopping for a bit and I kinda kept my eye out for a Big Brother shirt.  I feel like I see them all the time, but of course, when you need one, you can't find one anywhere.  Also, I slowly found out that most only come in bigger sizes starting at 3T.  Anyway, we got home and I told Connor to go give Daddy a little gift we got him.  I wrapped up the positive test and put it in a gift bag for Connor to give to him.  They both sat down on the couch and he slowly opened the bag.  His first words were, "Are you serious?" and Connor grabbed the test thinking it was a pen.

He was in shock!  We asked Connor if he wanted a brother or a sister and he repeated both.  Nope, you only get one!

So anyway, now that this has set in a little, I'm freaked out.  I'm scared too.  

How did we get lucky enough to have this happen naturally after everything we went through in the past?  Connor was such a good baby and we were really blessed, but what if this baby is the opposite?  How will we get through it?  How will we pay for 2 kids in daycare?  How will we get everything done in time?  Oh my gosh, I need to start reorganizing the entire house to make enough room.  How will Connor deal with this? 

My mind is racing with questions and worries right now.  I want to get to the doctor to make sure everything is ok, so I'm hoping I can get in soon.  I also don't have any symptoms besides no appetite and peeing a little more often, so I want to confirm it.  So crazy! 

Supermom

Merriam-Webster's definition:
: an exemplary mother; also : a woman who performs the traditional duties of housekeeping and child-rearing while also having a full-time job

With Mother's Day just a few days away, it makes me think about the qualities of a supermom and how they make it all work.  Am I a supermom?  I think I really try to be and I hope I do a good job at it.  Honestly, I'm probably a better mom than I thought I would ever be.  I also think I'm a lot more laid back as a mother than I (or anyone else) thought I would be.  I don't take a lot of time to really sit down and analyze my life and how I act as a mother, but I really liked this article about the best qualities of a supermom.

I think the key is finding a balance and routine in your life.  Connor is my number one priority, but I try to make some of the other important things secondary such as work, a little ME time, working out, husband time, etc.  I know myself well enough to know how stay healthy emotionally and I think it's taken many years to get to that point.  If I don't work out regularly, shop regularly, lay in bed and watch tv and play around on the internet every night, and do the dishes on a daily basis, I'd go insane.  It's still kind of baffling to me that my life and priorities just kind of clicked into place when Connor was born.  Of course, there are days when I wish I could just do nothing or spend the whole day playing with Connor and avoid responsibilities.  But really, it's ME.  I'm a multi-tasking freak and I love it that way.  Maybe there's really no such thing as a Supermom, but I like to think that I try to be one.

A post about Mommy

As 2013 begins, I've had a few extra days off from work to reflect on my life.  First off, having 4 days off of work in a row was amazing!  It's been way too long since I've been off that long and didn't have to travel anywhere or do anything huge.  I loved spending so much time with Connor and watching him start to talk and repeat words.  He's constantly surprising me with the new things he learns each day now.  I feel like the next year is going to be so crucial for him and he's going to grow up so much.  And that brings me to something else on my mind a lot lately...

Babies.

I feel like there are girls announcing their pregnancies every freaking day.  Not just Kim Kardashian and Jessica Simpson, but girls all around me and girls I talk to in real life.  That pinching stab of jealousy that they got pregnant so easily will never go away.   Yes, I already have my own baby that I worked so hard to make, but that hurt and jealousy will always be there and it's always my first thought when I hear another announcement.  Why is it so easy for them?  Why can they have something I couldn't have for so long?  And now I have to add extra questions and wonder if I want that too.

People ask me about it all the time and I don't really know what to say.  Umm, maybe if I don't have to give myself injections and go through all the heartache again?  The real answer is that I don't want to make a decision.  I feel like if I decide I want another, I'll have my heart set on it.  Once that happens, it will be SO much harder to live my life and constantly want it.  I know myself and I know how I'll be if I decide I want something important and I can't have it.  Right now, I feel better leaving it up to chance, and if it happens, that's wonderful.  [I also love surprises!]  Eventually, I'll probably need to make a decision, but I'm not ready yet.  I also kinda feel like it would be better timing to wait at least another 6 months until Connor is a little more self-sufficient and can communicate better.  For now, I love my little guy more than anything.

Mommy & Me Dates

Connor and I have been spending a lot of time together lately and he's turning into quite the Mommy's boy. A part of me really love that he's just so loving towards me and needs me all the time, but I also want him to continue to be happy around others too. He's starting to follow me around and reach out for me when he's around other people. (Swoon!) He loves his Mommy!

I didn't even plan it, but his onesie says I <3 Mommy. I loved this photo from the neighborhood picnic in the park last Sunday. I haven't gone since I was a kid, so we walked over to check it out. Most of the kids were a little older, but we had fun playing on the grass and watching the older kids play games and jump in the bounce house.

This is my favorite from our Friday night date. We went to one of the "special" grocery stores that's a little farther away. We ordered his birthday cake and then shopped for some unusual foods that we can't get at the grocery store by our house. Connor played with the box of Teddy Graham cookies (pretty good, BTW) and made some friends in the store aisles when he smiled at the people walking by.

Before I was a mom

Before I was a Mom

Before I was a Mom -
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom -
I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on - Pooped on - Spit on - Chewed on, or Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and My thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom -
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests...or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom -
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my lifeso much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known The warmth, The joy, The love, The heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

Ma ma ma

Nothing sounds better than hearing your son say, "Ma ma ma."

He's been really into "ba ba ba" for the past month, but it suddenly switched to "ma" the last few days. Everything I hear it, I turn my head and smile in amazement.

That's my boy!

Mother's Day

“Before you were conceived I wanted you.

Before you were born I loved you.
Before you were here an hour I would die for you.
This is the miracle of love.”

-Maureen Hawkins

Today is my first-ever Mother's Day! It's really been an amazing almost 9 months of being a mom. Connor has been such a blessing and made me so happy. It's almost like celebrating Mother's Day seems weird because every day is a pleasure being his mom. Nonetheless, it's still nice to have a deal to feel appreciated for all the hard work that goes into making our family work. It's more work than I ever imagined, but waking up to his smiling face every morning makes it all worth it.

Growing & Love

Motherhood has helped me grow as a person. I've only been a mom for 10 weeks, but it's been an amazing experience so far. I always had a hard time appreciating the little things in life before and I let stress get to me too much. I used to get worked up over small things and couldn't stop to relax. Being a mom has taught me to enjoy every minute with my son and love all the little things.

I love to see his big grins in the morning after he eats.

I love to watch him sleep peacefully with his long eyelashes hitting his cheeks.

I love that he giggles after he has a major blow out.

I love his little hands that hold mine.

I love how he stares at me while I feed him a bottle.

I love that I can hear his little giggles while I get ready in the morning.

I love that he falls asleep in my arms.


I need to stop typing now because it's making me cry!