A post about Mommy

As 2013 begins, I've had a few extra days off from work to reflect on my life.  First off, having 4 days off of work in a row was amazing!  It's been way too long since I've been off that long and didn't have to travel anywhere or do anything huge.  I loved spending so much time with Connor and watching him start to talk and repeat words.  He's constantly surprising me with the new things he learns each day now.  I feel like the next year is going to be so crucial for him and he's going to grow up so much.  And that brings me to something else on my mind a lot lately...

Babies.

I feel like there are girls announcing their pregnancies every freaking day.  Not just Kim Kardashian and Jessica Simpson, but girls all around me and girls I talk to in real life.  That pinching stab of jealousy that they got pregnant so easily will never go away.   Yes, I already have my own baby that I worked so hard to make, but that hurt and jealousy will always be there and it's always my first thought when I hear another announcement.  Why is it so easy for them?  Why can they have something I couldn't have for so long?  And now I have to add extra questions and wonder if I want that too.

People ask me about it all the time and I don't really know what to say.  Umm, maybe if I don't have to give myself injections and go through all the heartache again?  The real answer is that I don't want to make a decision.  I feel like if I decide I want another, I'll have my heart set on it.  Once that happens, it will be SO much harder to live my life and constantly want it.  I know myself and I know how I'll be if I decide I want something important and I can't have it.  Right now, I feel better leaving it up to chance, and if it happens, that's wonderful.  [I also love surprises!]  Eventually, I'll probably need to make a decision, but I'm not ready yet.  I also kinda feel like it would be better timing to wait at least another 6 months until Connor is a little more self-sufficient and can communicate better.  For now, I love my little guy more than anything.