Disappointment. Again.

I really, really thought this was it. I had all the symptoms and I felt "different." But I was deathly scared of doing the test. I didn't want to take it because there was a chance it would be negative and it would crush me. Friday night I had dreams about pregnancy tests all night. I woke up at 5 am and had to run to the bathroom to do the test. I danced around as I waited for "pregnant" to show up on the test. Hubby ran in when he saw the light on and covered my eyes.

He told me it was negative and I burst into tears right on the toilet. I hate even writing this because it's making me so sad again. I cried all morning as I thought about how much I HATE this process and how unfair it is. Why does this have to happen to good people like us? Why does my body hate me? Why can't I give my husband the one thing he wanted by the time he was 30? That's probably the worst feeling this week because I know how important this was to him. He's my "pillar" as he calls it and Kitty is the "pebble" who held me as I cried all morning long.

Thank God for my infertility support group just a couple hours later. They were the only ones that really understood and it felt so good to sit in a room with girls who can really sympathize. The sadness is nowhere near gone, but going there helped a lot. All weekend, I was depressed and I'm still thinking about it 3 days later. WHY ME?

Baby's First

I was out shopping today after work and wanted to take a quick look at the holiday stuff to look for new Hanukkah decorations. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some Christmas ornaments. "Baby's First Christmas" was right in front of me. I'm Jewish, but this still hit me like a brick and I teared up. I would give anything to be able to have one of these ornaments...and a menorah, of course. What do I want for the holidays more than any Coach purse or diamond earrings? A BFP and a healthy pregnancy.

Hubby thinks this cycle is it and it's going to happen. He's great at making predictions that come true, so I hope he's right.

Maybe a Halloween baby?

After a meeting with the doctor after the last cycle, we decided to increase my injection doses to be a little more intense. The secret is finding the exact formula of hormones, injections, and days of the cycle that will be the best for the IUI. I've been closely monitored during this cycle and ended up at the office for blood test and ultrasounds 4 out of the last 5 days. It's been been very stressful to make the time to get there every day, but I'm hoping that watching everything this closely will help. To our surprise, we ended up having the IUI on a weekend which we've never done before.

Yesterday at support group, someone reminded me that my IUI would be on Halloween and I hadn't even though about that! How cool would it be to make a Halloween baby? This is the perfect time and I would love to have a baby next summer when it's still warm out. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but I feel like we've done everything SO carefully for this cycle. Crossing our fingers, toes, and Kitty's paws that this one works.