Last IUI cycle?

Looks like this is almost the end of the IUIs. I've done 5 cycles and the medicine doesn't seem to be as effective as it used to be. The thought of the next step (IVF) freaks me out like crazy. I never, ever thought it would come to this. If the IUI worked once, why can't it work again? IVF is scary...the process, the money, the stress, the time, etc. I've come to terms with this as my future and I'm starting to accept it. When I told my mom the news, she cried. Why does this have to happen to her oldest daughter? I feel so guilty that there's something wrong with me.

The past 2 days I had my last chance before the next step. I begged for two IUIs to increase the chances. Any day now I'll start feeling all the pregnancy symptoms and start getting excited. It's so hard not to get excited, but I always know in the back of my mind that it might just be the meds. Please, please give the me the thing I want most this holiday season.

Disappointment. Again.

I really, really thought this was it. I had all the symptoms and I felt "different." But I was deathly scared of doing the test. I didn't want to take it because there was a chance it would be negative and it would crush me. Friday night I had dreams about pregnancy tests all night. I woke up at 5 am and had to run to the bathroom to do the test. I danced around as I waited for "pregnant" to show up on the test. Hubby ran in when he saw the light on and covered my eyes.

He told me it was negative and I burst into tears right on the toilet. I hate even writing this because it's making me so sad again. I cried all morning as I thought about how much I HATE this process and how unfair it is. Why does this have to happen to good people like us? Why does my body hate me? Why can't I give my husband the one thing he wanted by the time he was 30? That's probably the worst feeling this week because I know how important this was to him. He's my "pillar" as he calls it and Kitty is the "pebble" who held me as I cried all morning long.

Thank God for my infertility support group just a couple hours later. They were the only ones that really understood and it felt so good to sit in a room with girls who can really sympathize. The sadness is nowhere near gone, but going there helped a lot. All weekend, I was depressed and I'm still thinking about it 3 days later. WHY ME?

Baby's First

I was out shopping today after work and wanted to take a quick look at the holiday stuff to look for new Hanukkah decorations. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some Christmas ornaments. "Baby's First Christmas" was right in front of me. I'm Jewish, but this still hit me like a brick and I teared up. I would give anything to be able to have one of these ornaments...and a menorah, of course. What do I want for the holidays more than any Coach purse or diamond earrings? A BFP and a healthy pregnancy.

Hubby thinks this cycle is it and it's going to happen. He's great at making predictions that come true, so I hope he's right.